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Everyone's been there: You have a phone, and you have an outlet, but you don't have the proper equipment to link the two together. Rather than juicing up, you're forced to sit and watch your battery slowly drain all its power, ensuring a commute home will be completely devoid of any music, texting, or apps. It's barbaric. Apple should just cut out the middle man and eliminate the cord all together. By building the plug directly into the bottom of the phone, our future overlords could effectively make our eternal quest for a charger a thing of a past. Just fold them out, plug them in, and never have to worry about dead batteries again.  

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If you're like me, you currently have multiple restraining orders against you because of lewd phone calls you made while inebriated...Okay, fine, so you're probably not like me, but odds are you've made a drunken call that you regretted the next morning at some point in your life. To solve the problem of drunk dialing, one of two things can happen: Either we as a culture can learn restraint, or, more practically, Apple can add a "Drunk Mode" to their next releases. By building a breathalyzer into the phone's receiver, the iPhone could measure blood alcohol levels of anyone trying to make a call. Blow above the legal limit, and your phone would immediately limit all communications to an approved list of buddies who are already used to your drunkenness, and whose opinion of you can't sink any lower.

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Show of hands: How many of you have ever been 5 minutes late for something because you couldn't remember where you put your phone? I can't see you, but I'm gonna assume that 99% of you have your hands in the air, and the remaining 1% is a bunch of filthy liars. I personally have spent countless hours of my life on my knees, tearing my home apart only to find that my that my phone was crammed between couch cushions, rolled up in a blanket, or, for some reason, buried in the vegetable crisper. If Apple were to include an external keychain remote with with every device they sell, they could ensure that no phone is ever lost again. Just click the panic button and to set off a loud, blaring alarm that will instantly let you find whatever bizarre place you left your iPhone. I mean, think about. Cars have panic buttons, and while I lose phones all the time, I've only ever misplaced two cars.

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With the advent of Siri, the iPhone became the premier device for laziness. No longer did we have to bother with drudgery of moving our fingers slightly. For all the good that Siri did, though, it did nothing to help with the most taxing aspect of phone ownership: calls. I don't know about you, but for me, actually having to talk on the phone with my voice is tantamount to certain forms of rectal torture I can't describe in polite company. By using the same technology that made Siri such a smashing success, we could eliminate the unpleasantness of human interaction once and for all. Just set Secratary Mode and anyone who calls you will be connected to the animatronic robot voice we all know and love. Siri will record any business they have in your phone and parlay it to you later. If they were calling just to talk, they can go fuck themselves because seriously, who does that?

 

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Most of the people in my life are trivial, boring, and just generally unpleasant. I've made my peace with that. What I'll never get used to is the fact that, thanks to text messaging,  I carry around a device that constantly reminds me of the genuine disdain I feel for most of my loved ones. I'd say that out of every 100 texts I receive, 2 are actually worth reading. Of the other 98, about 96 are genuinely infuriating stuff that I don't want to see. These constant annoyances could be easily eliminated with the same technology that keeps unwanted spam out of our inboxes. The new feature would work by finding messages with phrases like "I was thinking" and "What's the name of" and filtering them into a separate folder. At the end of the day you'll have two folders: One folder that's full of the stuff you'll actually want to read, and another, much larger folder that full of all the cumbersome minutiae that's likely to give you a headache. With the separate folders, you can keep all the unwanted messages out your mind until you see your friend in person, and they accost you for not responding to the inscrutable series of emojis they sent you the other day.

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Actually, forget everything else I just said. This is the only one that matters.