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5:03 AM - Wake up in the library, face down in a textbook inside a laptop inside another thicker textbook, three hours before you actually went to sleep. UHHH-GAIN.

 

5:10 AM - Wait until the keyboard-shaped indentation in your forehead goes away. Spit out the three mechanical pencils you swallowed in your sleep. Just another typical night in grad school.

 

5:15 AM - Uhoh, 5:15 already?? Sprint home so you can get a jump on your "Morning Study"

 

5:30 AM - Change out of your filthy sweatpants & sweatshirt and into some even dirtier sweatpants you just pulled out of your laundry bag, then put on another pair of sweatpants as a shirt and wrap some sweatpants around your head.

 

5:43 AM - Man, you haven't showered, shaved, brushed your teeth, or done laundry in so long, you don't even know what those words MEAN anymore! The only words you understand are the grad school ones that you are studying so hard.

 

6:15 AM - You need some coffee. Open your wallet. A single fly buzzes out and shrugs. Frown. No coffee for you today, you broke-ass grad student.

 

6:20 AM - Write a paper about the fly.

 

7:45 AM - Ok, paper done, back to studying. You don't have time to do ANYTHING today except post Facebook statuses about how you don't have time to do anything today.

 

8:30 AM - Look at all those lucky stiffs heading off to their "regular jobs." Oh, to only work 9-12 hours per day. They have no idea what it's like being in grad school.

 

10:30 AM - Friend texts asking if you "want to go to Brunch". Hahaha, yeah right, FOOD. Like you have time for that. Text back "Gotta study :( "

 

10:31 AM - Study extra hard for the next hour to make up for the time you lost glancing at that text.

 

2:18 PM - Oh whoops, you forgot to eat anything today. Your stomach growls. Look down. Your body is a cartoon skeleton body. Crap. Life of a grad student.

 

3:25 PM - Call your sister and tell her you're gonna miss her wedding tonight. Gotta study. She'll understand.

 

3:51 PM - Check your student loan situation. You owe $5,000,000,000,000. Watch as the numbers turn into flames and form a fiery demon-face that laughs at you. Deal with that later, you gotta study.

 

4:40 PM - Time to head to your "Lab". The Lab is a place you go to in Grad School to disappear for hours. But you're doing important stuff there.

 

10:30 PM - Whoa six hours -- that's enough Lab for tonight, but you'll be back tomorrow to do more Lab.

 

10:48 PM - Check your phone. 457 missed Sexts. All from the 5 other grad students who are the only humans you've seen in the last 3 years. If only you had time for that. Delete them all with your left hand while studying.

 

11:09 PM - Start your 700-page paper that's due every day (including three on Sundays). Keep your book open in your field of vision so you can study while you write. Study the paper as you're writing it. Also write the book as you're studying it. Allow the book to enter you, both physically and spiritually.

 

1050X Mega O'Clock - Invent a new hour of time and will it into existence so you can actually study the amount you are required.

 

1050XXBleventy Mega Bo'Clock - Time to defend your work. Walk into a silver Coliseum-type arena and have a panel of Professors angrily hurl questions at you and point to your work. This is it, man!

 

1050XXBleventy Mega Bo'Clock II: Reckoning - Due to lack of sleep, begin hallucinating that all your professors are actually Hitlers with serpent tongues and their words are flaming poison. Deflect the poison with the shield that is your knowledge; the one TRUE shield. The venom will deflect and go down their throats and they will begin flashing and disappear into light. The defense is complete!

 

Shwelvish Fifty Quimquam O'er The Teenth Timey T'hour - Enter your nightly "Grad School Sleep," where you tape your eyes open and 'sleep' while studying with a directional laser hooked to your eyelids so you can shoot words into a mortarboard to begin outlining the paper you have to write first thing in the morning (which is in two minutes)

 

2:30 AM - Be super fucking drunk somehow.


Additional Reading: 

Every All-Nighter Paper You Write

10 Things That Never Work So Let's All Stop Doing Them

All Of Your Childhood Lessons Are Wrong