So I watch a lot of TV… What else is there to do when you're living in your parents basement? I don't shit money, so I don't own a tivo – which means that I have to sit through all the ads, just like they did in the 1890s. Anyway, I've noticed lately that UPS has changed their slogan and has embarked upon an aggressive campaign to tell you about how much they want to transfer your goods from one place to another. That's all fine and good; really I own very little, and I don't have any friends to send anything to anyway (see the section above entitled "I'm currently living in my parents basement"). My point is, I don't give a wet crap about anything UPS has to say. But then, in my fourth hour of watching TV and during UPS ad #64,382, I noticed that UPS had a brand new slogan! And what is this new slogan, you ask?

The new slogan is; "What can brown do for you?"

Now look; I'm not a MIT grad, but jesus christ did no one over at UPS think about this before making all these fucking ads? Are you kidding me? I'm not sure about you, but when I hear someone say "what can brown do for you" I'm thinking about how I can more effeciently use my crap; Perhaps a way that I can use my shit to fuel my car. Or ways that I can train my feces to carry luggage. I'm CERTAINLY not thinking about UPS or mailing anything. Unless it came out of my body and smells like human excrement.

I mean, it's unfortunate that Heinrich Parcel or whomever founded UPS chose brown and yellow as their colors, but DON'T DRAW ATTENTION TO IT. I'm not sure that you really want people to start fixating on making the most of their turds. I mean, it's not going to get you any more business… If anything, it's just going to incite people to demand more of their feces; and really – hasn't our feces suffered enough? It just came out of your ass. Pinch it some slack, bro.