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Every porn connoisseur knows sex goes like this: lame conversation, then three seconds of boob mashing, then five minutes of dick sucking (because it's important to make sure the guy is excited and ready to go before sex), followed by a lot of vagina stabbing that the girl is totally into because giving that blowjob turned her on so much. That's just what sex is and everyone is cool with that, not just the sleazy dudes who make porn.

 

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You're clearly caught up in a moment of great physical pleasure. Are you supposed to hinder that by NOT shooting semen all over your significant other, sheets, and the nice duvet cover that's really hard to take off and put on the comforter? Yeah, you could keep things tidier if you made even the slightest effort, by why would you do that when you could force yourself to either instantly do laundry or have your whole life smell like chlorine-y bread. Because, yes, that's what it smells like.

 

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You might think that the reason sex feels so good is because you're creating lots of friction by putting your penis in a tight grip of muscles, but no! Vaginas are gaping chasms that can easily be penetrated from any angle with absolutely no resistance. Definitely just try to jab it in by humping in the general direction of her pelvis. This will work and feel great for everyone!

 

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God, sex is so dull. Just rubbing genitals until orgasm. Blah. The only way to have fun and be good at sex is to constantly change positions. Keep everyone on their toes! (Literally, this one position doesn't account for height difference and will require you to balance on your toes until you switch positions again or get charlie horse.)