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You know that feeling of going to a diner on a hot summer day, sitting at a vinyl booth, wearing shorts, and then, at the end of the meal, ripping your thighs off the seat? Ah, the greatest feeling on Earth! Sex on a leather couch is that, but with your whole sweaty, naked body (and without the benefit of eating french fries). Add on the fact that every shift in position will lead to a leather fart sound, and you've got yourself a real sexy time.

 

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All guys know that it's good to make sex last, but only real porn experts know that you shouldn't be wasting time on foreplay or stimulating any part of the vagina other than the deepest part you can reach. Girls are just looking for a long stretch of vaginal pummeling, nothing but in and out for as long as you can.

 

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From the first moment you touch a woman, she will be unable to help herself from moaning and panting. The man doesn't make any stupid sounds at all. No one asks for things they want unless they can be conveyed in really dirty, breathy exclamations. And there's absolutely no sounds of stomach flab smacking together in a joyous celebration of your average bodies.

 

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 No. Stop. Take your fucking shoes off, you animal.

 

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