Listen, I like internet porn as much as the next guy; it's free, it's plentiful, it's naked people doing naked things. That being said, if you look long and hard enough (intended), you can find flaws with anything. Here's 10 things that sometimes get on my nerves when I'm dealing with internet porn:

 

1. How and why are there STILL pop-ups?

 

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Despite being some of the most popular, traffic inducing sites on the internet (already plastered with ads), a lot of these sites still have a pop-up that appears when you click on a video. You're raking in cash playing other people's porn, but yet that still isn't enough? And how do these pop-ups even happen? We all have pop-up blockers in our internet browsers, yet these magical porn pop-ups somehow skip past them and open in a new tab. How do porn sites have the latest in pop-up technology? Like, weren't these pop-up blockers created by smart, ivy-league-staffed, tech companies? How has a website with 'Jizz' in their title outsmarted you?  

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And there's nothing weirder than indulging in your clip of choice and hearing some faint giggles in the distance. You're like, WTF? Who in this orgy is giggling and why? Then you realize it's this lady, live-chatting with some slightly-lonelier-than-you pervs, and one of them just made a terrible "joke" that she's pretending to find funny, in hopes that he'll throw some of his sad-dollars her way.

 

2. Despite 0 demand, the Facebook share button still exists

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Instead, they've created MORE share options?
 

Why, WHY, is this button still a thing?! Nobody is sharing porn on their Facebook wall except maybe the actors themselves, but even then, their friends are probably like, "We get it, you fuck for a living, stop rubbing it in our faces." To the rest of us, this button is just a scary reminder that our social lives could be ruined forever simply by clicking a mere inch away from our intended target. How would your friends, family, and coworkers react if they knew the weird shit you were into? And if your mom caught you sharing MILF porn? I can't imagine the level of never-ending awkward that would create.

 

3. Gross thumbnails

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So you're in the mood for a quick porn session, so you go to your site of choice. Suddenly, you're bombarded with about 20 thumbnail images for 20 different videos, some for some nasty perversions you're not into, and of course their thumbnail has captured them at their most obscene. And it's zoomed in. Great, thanks for that. Your eyes now have to navigate a boner killing mine-field trying to find their way to the perfect clip. I don't really have a solution for this, but it's mildly annoying.

 

 

4. Ads on the side that show like, a fat Ron Jeremy

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Nobody came to your site to check out a fat Ron Jeremy. Nobody. I get that he's like a porn legend, and I get that you want to sell your penis pills or whatever, but I don't want him in my periphery while I'm going about my business. And how about using a younger Ron Jeremy? Why do we need to see a current day, 61 year old, fresh off a heart attack, Ron Jeremy? I mean, the guy made a living getting videos and pictures taken of him, so it shouldn't be difficult to find a more flattering shot, right?

 

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And same thing goes for weird cartoon porn ads. If you're into Marge Simpson riding a shockingly hung Ned Flanders, cool, that's your thing. But I don't need it forced on me. I'd still like to enjoy the show, please. And sometimes it's like a weird CGI creature thing with a dick, and I didn't ask for this. Please keep these ads strictly human, and preferably not gifs. I hate when my videos buffering, but the gifs are still there, goin' strong on the side, demanding all my masturbatory attention.

 

5. WAY too many choices

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To use a music analogy, if you go to a record fair, you're somewhat guided by the limitations of the selection there and you can pick and choose, whereas porn is more like Spotify where you're paralyzed with unlimited options and forever doomed to wonder if you could be listening to something cooler at any time. As a result, you'll probably open far too many tabs in hopes of finding the 'perfect clip', when you probably won't even end up giving most of them a chance. Then you're left with that oddly shameful feeling afterwards when you're faced with your discarded perversions, but now you're level-headed and somewhat disgusted at what you were into just moments earlier.