There are so many life lessons you'll learn in college, but those will come in due time. For now, it's about surviving the first semester -- and kid, if you don't know these crucial lessons by now, it might be time to pack it in, move back home and get a job stocking cans at the Wal-Mart.

 

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Pour laundry detergent. Put dirty clothes in machine. Wash. But lo, what is this? You're suddenly missing underwear? And maybe a sweater? You live in a communal space -- how could anyone think stealing your stuff from the laundry room is a crime they can get away with? Labeling your stuff is paranoid, until you discover some rando in Psych 102 wearing your beloved denim shearling jacket from 8th grade. Thieves are everywhere, even in college!

 

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Ugh, living with another person? They snore too loud, and they're weird about their stuff, and they think Al Pacino or Audrey Hepburn posters are totally acceptable home decor. They eat egg salad sandwiches every day, but they hate the smell of pot. WTF? And heaven forbid if they go through a breakup. I heard the exact same Kelly Clarkson album for three months straight during a roommate's breakup. Now my eyes bulge a little whenever her song comes on in Kroger's.

 

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For heaven's sake, if you're not wearing a pair of cheap Old Navy flip-flops EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. you go into that germ-ridden cesspool known as the dorm bathroom, then you are a deeply troubled sociopath and should never be trusted, particularly around rifles or archery equipment. Even Jeffrey Dahmer thinks you're a sicko.

 

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You know you can take stuff out of there, right? Stock up on pies, cookies, sandwiches -- hell, bring a doggie bag of your own and stuff it full of midnight snacking. You're on a budget here! If you're a goody-goody who's concerned about security, go Ocean's Eleven and set up a game plan involving diversions to distract the kitchen staff. I guarantee you, though, they could not care less.

 

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If you didn't steal that pie, you can always live it up and order one of those $10 deals. Feast like a king upon your extra long twin bed. I mean, there's an app and everything!

 

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Cheap alcohol is basically old rubbing alcohol leftover from the Soviet era that they couldn't give away in prison. You're better off with bathtub moonshine that could make you go blind instead of cheap booze, which WILL make you go blind. Save your pennies and level up. Your mouth, throat, stomach and bowels will thank you for it.

 

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It doesn't matter if it's tonsil hockey or penis-into-vagina hockey, sex when you're young and inexperienced is going to be awkward. But college is for experimentation, so don't sweat it! Enjoy building an arsenal of witty stories you can share at the Algonquin roundtable. That time your lover thought sucking toes was romantic, only your ticklish feet kicked them in the face? What memories to cherish in your older, wiser years!

 

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There's one on every campus. You know, those folks? Lock up your friends, wear a nun's habit when you pass by, and never, ever accept a red Solo cup anywhere within 50 feet of it. I don't care how well they dribble a basketball or sing Part of Your World, they're creepier than the dorm bathroom.