As Macy's Parade balloons are inflated and turkeys shake in their feathers, you're stuck trying to find a ride to the airport to get home and enjoy a tryptophan-induced slumber in your old bedroom. This step-by-step guide will ensure you get from the front door to the terminal in time to watch the Detroit Lions lose again without having to pay a cent:

 

Step 1: Choose your target

You can't just ask any friend to give you a ride to the airport. They need to be close enough that you'd be willing to call them on a cell phone, not just text them. But they also can't be your best friend, since you need them for more important stuff, like sharing your most intimate secrets.  

 

Step 2: Butter them up

Think like a politician. No one on Capitol Hill gets anything done just by asking for it. Offer to take notes in class for them while they sleep, find out details on their crush, or take the term "butter them up" literally by buttering something. I don't know, maybe a muffin. Those are always better with butter.

 

Step 2: Butter them up

If they try to back out of giving you a ride at the last second, you are completely allowed to resort to childish behavior. Crying, preferably the loud sobby kind, is encouraged. Beg, pull at their clothes, and/or throw a public tantrum. The guilt will force them to change their minds!

 

Step 4: Act like a con man

The reason stuff like pyramid schemes works is because they play to a person's emotions. Rent The Music Man for inspiration. Make up a backstory -- orphans are a safe bet to pull on the heartstrings. If they ask questions like "don't' you have a family?", deflect with a winning smile and dance with a boater hat.

 

Step 5: Blackmail

Okay, you wanna play hardball? It's time to play hardball. Find incriminating photos to send to their parents. Plant a pair of underwear in their room that totally doesn't belong to their significant other. Are they arachnophobic? Fill their backpack with spiders. This is about a ride to the airport. Take. No. Prisoners.

 

Step 6: Use reverse psychology

Oh, you don't want to give me a ride to the airport? Fine, I didn't want one anyway.

[pause for effect]

Did you hear me? I said I don't need one!

[keep pausing]

No I really need it Super Shuttle is expensive please please please please pleeeeeeease!

 

Step 7: Show off your katana collection

Nothing says "threatening" like a guy with a bunch of traditional Japanese swords. Gently stroke each one, explaining their origins and names, and how you've always really wanted to use them like a Samurai would -- against your enemies, of course.

 

Step 8: Super glue yourself

Oh no, that Krazy Glue you "accidentally" spilled all over the two of you right before you forced that hug means you're stuck together! Looks like you're going wherever they go -- hey, they're going to the airport! Well, that was mighty convenient!

 

Step 9: Be inspired by Cape Fear

Ever seen Cape Fear? Ever seen that episode of The Simpsons making fun of Cape Fear? Regardless, strap yourself to the bottom of their vehicle. Once they pull out on the road, throw a dart at the front tire, causing a blowout. When they pull over, pop up from underneath and offer a hand with the tire. If they act "freaked out" that you're there, remind them that you have the right tools necessary to change the spare, because you stole them from the trunk! They'll be so thankful you were there this whole time they're bound to offer you a ride to the airport!

 

Step 10: Hitchhike

Hey, Uber costs money!

 

Illustrated by Amir Khan, who loves the players but hates the game.