It's ridiculous to think the government could regulate all forms of small talk, but when engaging in it becomes inconsiderate, counter-productive, or downright dangerous? That's when it's time to intervene.

 

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First Degree Offense:  Continuing a conversation started during the walk from reception to the dental chair even after the cleaning has started and it's obvious the patient can no longer contribute. ($50 fine)

Second Degree Offense: Including questions in said conversation, specifically open-ended ones. ($200 fine)

Exceptions: Hygienists are allowed a two-minute grace period to ease the transition from conversation to silence, as a sudden total stoppage would probably be pretty weird.

 

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First Degree Offense: Prolonging a retail transaction with unnecessary conversation when others are waiting to check-out. (Customers = $100 fine, Cashiers/Tellers = $250 fine)

Second Degree Offense: Committing a first degree offense when the line includes more than five customers and it's 9 a.m. on a Monday and anyone in the place could snap at any moment. (Customers = $500 fine, Cashiers/Tellers = Termination)

Exceptions: None.

 

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First Degree Offense: Talking to someone when they're lifting weights. ($100 fine)

Second Degree Offense: Talking to someone when they're doing cardio. (2-day gym suspension)

*Additional Charge: Talking to someone wearing headphones. (Lifetime ban)

Exceptions: Conversations may take place with people you know or strangers who look friendly but only if they seem genuinely interesting in talking to you at the time, and only for as long as they continue to participate.

 

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First Degree Offense: Starting a conversation with someone who is clearly paying close attention to a TV program. ($50 fine)

Second Degree Offense: Failing to get the hint even after the viewer has rewound the show, raised the volume, and cleared his or her throat in a passive-aggressive manor. ($200 fine)

*Additional Charge: Ruining a key moment during a live event. (Punch in the face)

Exceptions: Limited conversations may take place during re-runs, commercial breaks, or montages.

 

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First Degree Offense: Initiating conversation with someone at a urinal. ($200 fine)

Second Degree Offense: Initiating conversation with someone in the next stall. ($1,000 fine)

Exceptions: Conversation is allowed with people you already know but only before or after the act itself.

 

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First Degree Offense: Screaming in someone's ear at the top of your lungs at a bar or a concert when it's nearly impossible for them to hear you. ($100 fine)

Second Degree Offense: Continuing to scream at them after they've already shrugged their shoulders to indicate they have no idea what you're saying, then getting frustrated about it. ($500 fine)

Third Degree Offense: Instead of just going somewhere quieter, attempting to communicate the same message once again using hand signals that make no sense, then getting even more frustrated. (Death by strangulation)

Exceptions: If you're able to convey your message successfully on the first try, all charges will be dropped. Two tries if you're attempting to hit on someone you met on the dance floor.

 

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First Degree Offense: Refusing to let a conversation die when it's obvious the customer doesn't want to participate. ($100 fine)

Second Degree Offense: Saying something like, "well you're awfully quiet," like discussing gas prices with a stranger is somehow fucking required in order to get a haircut. ($500 fine)

Third Degree Offense: Focusing so much on your pointless story about going to the pork festival last weekend that you end up butchering some poor guy's head and don't even notice. (Total head shaving, administered by aforementioned customer)

Exceptions: Stylists may socialize with regulars who've given their consent but even then, no personal stuff, alright? What do you think this is? An airplane?