Sometimes you are socially required to give a gift to someone who you don't want to read too much into it. Maybe it's an unpleasant coworker, a distant cousin, or an ex-lover who you have to pretend means nothing even after your year-long romantic quest through the Amazon that ended in a bitter betrayal.

Here are some quick gift ideas to show that you don't care too much:

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A gift of a handmade scented candle says "I'm not interested in you as a human being."

 

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Handmade scented soap says "I'm not interested in you as a human being" while also saying "Your hygiene might be questionable ... or maybe not. Obsess over it for a while."

 

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Granted this requires you to drive an hour outside of town to get it, but it's a small price to pay to show this person how little they mean to you.

 

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Sure, this is a lot of money to spend on toilet paper and the sheer mass of it makes it downright impossible for you to transport, but no one is going to throw away perfectly useable toilet paper. They'll be forced into dealing a chafed butt for months to come.

 

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They may seem cute, but the truth is nobody wants a puppy for a gift. The burden that comes from caring for another life is more than most people can take. Go to the pound and pick up cutest pup you can find. Maybe you name him Chester, maybe you don't ... it's up to you. Either way, once you give your furry little gift, it'll be so long forever Chester which...it's fine. I only knew him for two days. It's not like I grew to love him or anything.

 

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Do some in-depth research on this person. Spend hours pouring over their family history and Facebook feed. Discover which aunt they hate the most then pay for an one-way ticket for their Aunt Gwenyth to visit for the holidays. Her presence will create family drama and drive their loved ones apart.

 

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When they open that bag up full of priceless diamonds and rubies, they'll be shocked. Little will they know that you acquired those jewels by means of a thrilling, and highly illegal, daytime museum heist. Just wait until to see the look on their face when they're sitting next to you in the holding cell.

 

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It looks like your run of the mill sorta ugly decoration from Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but little do they know that it's a cursed ancient relic that you acquired by going on a grueling month long journey through the depths of the Brazilian rainforest. MAY THE CURSE OF KUN'ZUHL, THE MANY-HEADED SERPENT LORD, RUN FOREVER. THROUGH THEIR LINEAGE.

 

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You'll probably suffer the consequences of self-mutilation for the rest of your life, but it'll be totally worth it once you see their face opening up a box with your icky dismembered digit inside. Classic.

 

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Who's gonna want Season 2 without Season 1? That'll show 'em. 

 

 

Give the greatest gift of all this year

... internet articles:

Christmas: Then and Now

FLOWCHART: Do You Need to Buy This Person a Gift?

Christmas Cards for Single People