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Losing weight in your ass also means losing weight in your wallet. Not only is health food wildly overpriced, but also once you actually achieve your goals, you'll have to invest in an entirely new wardrobe. Think about it: Would you rather be skinny and poor, or would you rather keep your money and stay plump and delicious like you already are?



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Sure you say you're getting in shape to feel better about yourself, but in your heart you know you're really just doing it to look better to other people. Living your life for other people is not a healthy thing to do. Personally, my life got infinitely better the moment I said, "Fuck the haters" and moved to my secluded cottage in the Bavarian woods and yours will too. If you're not living your life for you, you're not truly living. 



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This one is obvious but I'll say it anyway: Unhealthy food tastes amazing! I tried for a while to constantly shovel kale down my gullet but I might as well have just been eating handfuls of dirt. Nowadays I prefer to fill my belly a variety of delicious cookies and cakes. You can too. Just come to my cabin in the woods and I'll give you all the cookies and cakes your body can handle! I guarantee you've never tasted sweets so sweet, or my name isn't Ravina Queen of Darkness...erm. I mean, Willie Muse.    



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Running? No thank you! Stairmaster? I think I'll pass. Everyone knows that exercise is a boring, unpleasant waste of your life. There's only one decent form of exercise and that's taking a hike through the Bavarian Forest to my secluded cottage which you should actually do. Seriously. You'll know it's my house by the candy cane windowpanes and the  gumdrop doorknob.


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I'll explain this one to you in person... perhaps over dinner? MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

...Whoops. Didn't mean to type that last part. Just ignore it.

 

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Recent studies suggest that being a little chubby might not be as unhealthy as people once thought. Check out this article for more information...see I'm actually trying to help. Totally not a witch guys...Bavarian woods



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