1. Hello Girls! 

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If you are reading this then I'm afraid we don't have much time. NASA scientists have spotted an asteroid hurdling through space at an alarming rate. It is roughly the size of Texas and headed directly for Earth. Our days left on our planet are limited. Grim though it may be, we have no choice but to evacuate our planet immediately in a mission we've dubbed Project Charybdis.


2. Pretty in Pink!

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You may be wondering why we've chosen this medium to deliver such a grave message. After an exhaustive process of trial and error, we've concluded that Internet articles promising a glimpse of a woman's breasts are the best way to attract large audiences of people. Said articles vastly beat out other such means of communication as commercials, government sanctioned emails, phone trees, flyer distribution, skywriting, going to everyone's individual home and telling them directly and the news.


3. Talk about a Re-RACK! 

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Unfortunately, this method of delivery has one inherent flaw, namely that people don't often read the words that accompany the pictures. However, by thinking quickly, we have figured out a way to turn this apparent shortcoming into a bittersweet opportunity.

4. The Skeleton Twins

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As you might imagine, space for this mission is extremely low. Once we arrive at our destination, supplies will be limited and overpopulation will be a huge concern. The last thing we need is to waste our limited resources on a bunch of oversexed illiterates. Sadly, only our best and brightest can survive.


5. That's a Spicy Meatball!|
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This is where you come in. If you're still reading this, congratulations! You've proven yourself worthy of being saved. If you would like to take part in Project Charybdis, please type code word "Volcano" in the comment section and await further instructions.

6. Hooray for Titties!!!!! 

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These are obviously dark times, but if there's a silver lining, it's this: We have a chance to learn from the mistakes of our past. With our new home, we have an opportunity to build a better society, one in which violence is a thing of the past and articles with headlines like "The 6 Pairs of Tits You Need To See Today" aren't a surefire way to rack up page views. Now is our darkest hour, but never forget that there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow. Goodbye, and may God have mercy on us all.


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