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The insanely-detailed and superfluous notes you took while watching
48 Hours Mystery, Dateline NBC, and ABC's 20/20 are really cluttering up your living room. I'm just saying, it looks like a serial killer lives here. I'm not saying you are a serial killer, I'm just saying it's a new year, and you should start out the right way: by cleaning out the clutter.

 

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You're not going to need an almost empty bottle of bleach because, let's be real, you never do laundry yourself. Your partner used to do that for you and...well, you know. Plus, it's expiring soon.


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Seriously, having this blood soaked mop and that pail lying around your house isn't good for your health. It's a breeding ground for bacteria and it's just not hygienic. So for your own safety, man, throw that stuff away.


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Look, I don't know what you did with that knife. It just looks really dull, like it was sawing through some sort of human bone or something. No one needs another dull knife. I just think it would be for the best if you got rid of it.  

 

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Listen, I'm not saying that you cooked your partner in that big pot over there, but I do think that you shouldn't keep this because it seems to be permanently stained with this sticky, dark red residue. And I know you, you're not gonna take the time to scrub that.


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You are right, it is a totally awesome lampshade. Love the texture and everything. I wish I had one myself, but it is starting stink the whole place up. It's making me nauseous. Gar-
bage, as the French would say.


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I totally believe that you're helping develop more realistic human extremities for your job at Home Depot, but wouldn't you get in trouble if your boss knew that you had this stuff at home? You should definitely bring it back to work and let them hold onto it.


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That short film you showed me did have a lot of potential and I definitely think that you should look into writing a screenplay or something. But I kinda think it's for the best if you didn't have that around here.


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Dude, how many times do I need to tell you to get rid of these? They're a biochemical hazard.