Are you tired of the ins and outs and ups and downs of the same old boring sex? Of course you are! Do you finish a bout of intercourse and say "well, at least that's over with so I can get back to work"? Of course you do! Have you resigned to a bleak existence in which coitus only serves to rack up more points on your Fitbit or reasonably priced Fitbit equivalent? Of course you have.

 

Luckily for you, CollegeHumor's celebrity chef/sexpert Nat Towsen is here to add some flavor to your bedroom routine.

 

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Pour this devilish red powder all over your boyfriend's penis for a sizzling sensation that will leave him screaming "oh my god my urethra is in severe pain" in ecstasy!

 


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Rub Turmeric all over your skin, careful to distribute it evenly and thoroughly. As it mixes with your sweat, your skin will turn a deep yellow. Your partner will believe that you have jaundice, allowing the two of you to act out a sexy nurse/doctor scenario.

 

 

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Steam some bay leaves and rub them all over your body. The scent will remind your girlfriend of Professor Hollingsworth, her rakishly handsome English Literature teacher who always wore Bay Rum cologne.

Note: This method only works if Professor Hollingsworth exists (unconfirmed).

 

 

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Stand at the door to the bedroom, point to the bottle and say, "Hey, baby, I'm cumin to get you." Your partner will respond with a flirty "Well then why don't you cumin the bedroom?" Then you can reply "Oh, I'll be cumin, all right." Pour cumin all over your genitals.

 

 

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It seems crazy, but a lot of modern sexologists believe that this kooky new sex trend could turn the world of intercourse on its head. Hey, it just might work! If it doesn't, dump garlic powder directly into your own eyes.