Consistently outshined by Jim from IT at his Super Bowl parties? Always a second too late with a witty remark about the latest Bud Lite Commercial?
Well, cower in fear no more! Here are ten ways to conquer your demons and send all those other 'football fans' back to their 'man caves' feeling empty and jealous.
1. Whenever holding is called you must explain,
Heads will turn and jaws will drop as everyone realizes how insightful you are
2. Whenever the star wide receiver a drops sure pass you must lament,
Engaged women will begin nudging towards you. Your boundless wisdom causes some of them to ovulate.
Men will laugh openly while secretly envying your existence.
4. Whenever a red flag is thrown you must muse,
Your collected and calm nostalgia will cause many to re-think all of their life decisions and re-discover God. The weaker ones will weep openly.
5. Triumphantly announce at half-time,
Everyone will smile because you know how to have fun.
6. When the firemen arrive explain the dire situation to them. The firemen will laugh and then everyone will laugh. Comedy Central will soon call and schedule your half-hour comedy special. You ARE George Carlin re-incarnate!
7. After the inevitable close-up of scantily clad cheerleaders,
Now even the married women edge towards you. They can't get enough of your faux-feminism oozing with sexual frustration. The husbands hang their heads and leave the room to hire divorce lawyers.
8. After your team loses a nail-biter you must calmly note,
Everyone will pause to admire your stoic courage and some will wonder if you even fear death.
9. Whenever those darned refs make a bum call you must be the voice of reason,
The warmth emanating from your child-like optimism will cause nearby neighbors to smile. Men in the next county will suddenly put down the bottle and forgive their fathers.
10. This is the kicker and you can say it whenever you want, though a 2009 Harvard University study concluded the mid-third quarter is the optimal time -
All the men will crowd around you like Boy Scouts kneeling before a wise troop leader. Your invitation to all future football viewings is assured. No one will even ask you to bring any dip. But you will because generosity is what wins the battle on the couches and impresses Jim's wife.
Enjoy your future fame.