It seems people these days are constantly talking about "kale" and how healthy and great it is, but you know what? I do NOT think it is great. HERE'S WHY:

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Have you ever HAD kale? It sucks. You eat it and it's like, BE BETTER you fucking piece of shit! FUCK, man. Makes me so mad.

 

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Pizza RULES! Bacon is EPIC. You really think kale is better than those two foods? WOW you are wrong. Stop constantly saying that kale is better than pizza and bacon you fucking dipshits, it's NOT.

 

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It tastes BAD when it should taste GOOD. What is its motherfucking problem???? Case closed. Fuck.

 

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My stupid VEGETARIAN friends (don't get me started - they will never shut up about being vegetarian!!!!!!!) are constantly forcing me to the ground, forcing my mouth open, and cramming kale into it and I'm like NO WAY MAN, IT'S BAD. Stop literally forcing me to eat KALE, you fucking dicks!!!!

 

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What is kale's fucking PROBLEM? It's like, hey, I'm this food, and I'm like, bad. FUCK YOU talking kale. Even if it talked I wouldn't give one fuckshit about it, that's how much I god damned motherfucking HATE it. I'd kick it in its stupid-ass kale mouth as it was talking and be like "shut the fuck up, talking kale, how about you taste BETTER then we'll hear what you have to say and even then, fuck you."

 

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Just get rid of it! Get rid of all the kale. Kill all of the farmers who make it and burn their land, then salt the earth so their children don't try to continue their legacy by growing kale in their honor. Then put all remaining kale on an island and firebomb it. Anyone who asks "why are you doing this" gets FUCKING KILLED too. Keep every other food though, except the bad ones that I HATE.

 

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I HATE it. I HATE it. SHklefjnwlgk w;gkbsw;g.kngl;dkg ,sg KAAAAALE FUCK MOTHERFUCKING KALLE ARRGGHHH WHY DOES IT EXISTTTTTT It's like not very goodddddd fuck you dad fuck you kale

 

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Here's the thing about kale: it is NOT good. And the fact that it isn't bothers me so much, I can't not keep telling all of you this. If you like it, or anything that I do not, then FUCK you. You're an idiot. You know what rules? Fuckin' FAST FOOD, man. Love me some big gross MICKEY DEE'S. Actually haven't eaten there in months but dude it rules so hard, harder than KALE, which doesn't rule AT ALL. It's like a PEASANT getting RULED by KING MICKEY DEE'S, plowing its fields and making them taste all shitty probably. Fuck fuck FUCK I feel it coming on againnnn

 

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You FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT KALE you think you're some alright vegetable but I'M ONTO YOU AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR YOU EXISTING I HATE YOU AND I HATE MOVIE CRITIC PAULINE KAEL AND 'KAEL' THE SKULL GUY FROM THE MOVIE WILLOW AND KALEIDOSCOPES AND CALENDERS (TOO CLOSE) ANDDD I just.... I just want to have an opinion on a thing so badly... one that isn't interesting and that most people will agree with.... GGGRGRGGRGGGG KAAAAALLEEEEE



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Dan sadly passed away in the middle of this article. Before he could write a tenth reason for why the vegetable kale was bad, he ran to the nearest Whole Foods and just started violently punching some kale with his bare hands, and he cut up his hands so badly, he contracted a rare kale-related blood disease known as "Kaler's Coffin."

Despite the name, the condition is eminently treatable, but Dan refused to be treated by doctors until they loudly declared that they also "fucking hated" kale, and after a solid forty-five minutes of confusion, the doctors eventually agreed, but their un-energetic pronunciation of the "fuck" convinced Dan that they weren't being genuine enough with their hatred of kale, and he started calling them "covert kale-loving bastard doctor men" and started punching the medical equipment randomly with his bloody kale-infected fists.

With the hospital's only kale-related machine on the fritz and the nearest one in New Haven, Connecticut, Dan's condition worsened, and he continued refusing treatment from the "kale loving fuckbags" and proceeded to sign numerous 'Do Not Resuscitate' legal forms then kept punching the forms with his bloody now-bright-green fists until he eventually perished with a smile on his face after 92 hours of kale-related agony. His last word was "kale."

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