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Okay so I've heard tell of people getting nachos from Chipotle, but everytime I've asked for them, all I got was a big heaping order of disgust from the guy behind the counter. Besides, even if they are available on the "Secret Menu," that doesn't change the fact that nachos should be prominently advertised and readily available to anyone who asks. Making nachos isn't hard. Every drunk college student ever has figured it out; surely a multimillion dollar fast food chain should be able to crack the code. They have the chips. They have the cheese. What the fuck are they waiting for?

 

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The assembly line aspect of Chipotle is one of the reasons the chain is such a magical place. Unfortunately, it also comes with one major downside. Because there is no system of standardization other than a large metal spoon and the eyeballs of the person holding it, there are great discrepancies from order to order. Depending on who's making it, your burrito bowl could either be a majestic meal fit for a king, or just 6 sad pieces of chicken drowned in a pool of weirdly liquid sour cream. By serving their proteins with a measuring cup and defining what a serving is with an exact mathematical figure, Chipotle could make underwhelming meals a thing of the past.


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If there's ever a time that someone has had a non-delicious bite of Chipotle, it's been because they've bitten into a large deposit of a single ingredient. Right now the only solution is to ask whoever's making your burrito to mix the ingredients together with a knife, but that just leaves you with a big, gloopy mess. The key to a perfect burrito is to have each ingredient shine through on its, while still working in perfect harmony with everything around it. For that reason, Chipotle need to completely revamp how it assembles its burritos. Each burrito should be sent through the assembly line at least twice to allow for multiple smaller layers of each ingredient. In this way, every bite would be the perfect bite, and all would be right with the world.


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On the surface, saying that Chipotle should implement a home delivery system feels like a no brainer. When you actually stop to think about it, though, you come to realize that the convenience of having a burrito brought directly to you home would come at a cost because, as we all know, ordering Chipotle is a very interactive process. Everyone likes their order a very specific way, and without being there to say handy phrases like "Light sour cream" and "A little more rice" how can you be sure that you're going to get exactly what you want? For this reason, when and if Chipotle starts to deliver, they should take the orders by means of Skype or any other video conferencing system that would allow me to monitor how many beans I'm about to eat. Sure, it sounds like the first step in our inevitable march towards become the fat people from Wall-E, but that's a small price to pay to have burritos just-the-way-you-like-them delivered straight to the comfort of your own home.


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You know all those times you've gotten drunk and gone to Taco Bell? Okay, well imagine if those trips left you slightly less remorseful and a million times more satisfied. That's what it would be like if Chipotle was open at all hours of the night. Though I know that increasing a restaurant's hours is a lot easier said than done, I also know that any burrito restaurant that doesn't cater to the drunken idiot demographic is missing out on a huge amount of untapped revenue. Any added costs would be instantly recouped the moment senior week rolls around at the local university.


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The few of you who disagree with my 24 hours idea are probably thinking that it makes no sense because nobody is gonna want a burrito before noon. Well they're wrong and you can probably see where I'm going with this based on the title of this section, but I'll say it anyway: Breakfast burritos are a thing and they're glorious. Here's where I'd normally say a few words about how easy it would be for Chipotle implement a breakfast menu but I don't have to because they already know. I know they know because they already did it! The only problem is they limited said menu to their location at Dulles airport for some cruel reason. Don't get me wrong: I would absolutely fly to our nation's capital for the express reason of eating a chorizo and egg burrito. I just think it's really stupid that I have to.


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I don't know who these people are that still don't know what Barbacoa is, but I know they exist because they're always in front of me in line, and they always take about 20 minutes to order. Chipotle is about efficiency. You should know exactly what you want and how you want it the moment you step up to order. I shouldn't have to put up with some unprepared yahoo standing between me and my burrito. Granted, I don't know any practical way to implement separate ordering lines, but that doesn't mean it's not a good idea...Right? I don't know anymore. I'm very hungry right now.

 

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