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People have been spicing up their lovemaking by taking it outdoors for ages. Why should you miss out on the fun just because you're on your own? Find a nice spot like a movie theatre or public park and just go to town.  The change of perspective will be invigorating, and the fear of getting caught will make it that much better...just, you know, don't actually get caught. I can tell you from experience that it doesn't lead to good things.


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Don't knock it 'til you've tried it my friend. Masturbators may seem weird but they're also fun. Plus you can make them yourself!  Seriously! If you're like me, for example, all you need is a bar of soap from your commissary and the screwdriver you keep hidden under your pillow to carve it with and there's literally no limit to the fun new things you can make! Try it once and I promise you'll never go back to the old way again!


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Alright, if you're like me you don't really have a choice in the matter 'cause you're already locked in with someone most of the time, but that doesn't mean you can't make the most of it! Jerkin' it with another person in the room can make the experience double the fun. Plus, even if they're not into it, they're a white supremacist asshole, so who gives a fuck what they think?

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Okay so this might not be "masturbation" in the traditional sense, but I promise it will feel just as good. Remember that screwdriver you used to carve the soap dildo in section 2? Well now you're gonna use it to teach your asshole bunk mate who's boss. He and his Aryan Brotherhood have been making your life hell, and for what? Jerking off in the bed above him?! WHERE THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IT!?! They messed with the wrong guy. It's time for you to take your life back.


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When they put you in solitary for "Violent behavior," you should use it as an opportunity to do some soul searching. Think about how this place changed you into the shell of a human you are today, try to come to terms with the fact that you'll probably never fit in with the outside world again, and really work that crank. I promise it'll be the best JO of your life!

 

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