Everyone loves a good holiday break from work or a family reunion. I'm taking a closer look at these days and ranking them.

 

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Shut up Groundhog's Day, you're stupid. This just seems like glorified animal abuse. Can't we decide if the season is Winter or Spring based off of something more reliable, like science maybe?

 

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While this holiday is a day of pride for Mexicans, it is now celebrated in the United States. Often celebrated by white people who dress up as racial stereotypes and get wasted off tequila. So, I'll take a hard pass on this one.

 

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This is only one step better than Cinco De Mayo because you get to physically pinch people for not wearing an unflattering color. But yeah, drinking, getting wasted, making unfixable mistakes. Dumb Day. Dumb Dumb Day.

 

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Guess what Mom and Dad, I never asked to be born. But also, thanks for everything.

 

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Spending money is never cool especially on someone who you'll probably break up with or get divorced from. This is purely a waste of time and money.

I mean, whatever, you might get to go on a cool date or whatever.

 

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Just like a plant a tree, dude. The world is ending sooner than we thought, we might as well try to preserve as long as we can by not being giant b-holes. It'll take 30 minutes maximum.

 

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A great day of pride in the United States, the greatest country in the USA. Barbeques on the reg, fireworks blazin' in the sky, and freedom. Mmm, that's something I can get behind.

 

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The only reason this is so high is food. The food outweighs your convict Uncle Larry who has been staring at your new girlfriend Sarah for like a little too long. I mean come on, it's SO MUCH FOOD.

 

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You know what's better than being yourself? Being literally anyone else without the realities of their life. Be a clown, be a serial killer, be a god damn M&M. It's the most positive day of the year that involves gore.

 

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This can be a day of either light-hearted pranks, like putting milk in someone's shampoo bottle or really mean spirited, like stapling someone's hand to a desk so they can't get work done. This is a good day to make the people you love smile or the people you hate furious. Overall, fun day!

 

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Congratulations! The earth went around the sun today. Really think about this, THE EARTH ORBITED THAT HUGE YELLOW THING IN THE SKY. This is actually REALLY impressive, and REALLY cool. We should be celebrating this. It's a gosh darn miracle.

 

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The best day of the year. This is a controversial choice, I know. But if you argue against it that just means you hate America.