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Like, do you think I'm a baby? It really doesn't make sense why people talk that way to babies either, really, but I'm a dog. I already can't understand the words you're saying, and now the tone of your voice is always super-weird. You can talk to me in your regular voice, ya know. The only things I get are the tonal differences in your voice when I've been good vs. when I've eaten your watch and shit on your computer.

 

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For real - I get that it's easier for you to buy Chikken-Chunks Brand Dog Curds in bulk, but I'd like SOME variation every now and then. Imagine eating the EXACT SAME THING for breakfast, lunch, and dinner EVERY SINGLE DAY. And out of a RARELY-CLEANED bowl, no less. This stuff already tastes and smells terrible, you can at least get me the Beef Flavor Equivalent every now and then.

And no, treats DO NOT count. Especially now that you keep buying those off-brand Beggin Strips.

 

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I'm sure there's a legit reason for this, but you certainly haven't explained it to me. You always very delicately place my turds into tiny plastic bags you carry with you everywhere. ALL THE TIME. Are you saving my poop? Or, like, collecting it? Really don't know what to make of this. I'm pretty creeped out by whatever it is though - seems real American Psycho-ish. And this is coming from someone who EATS HIS OWN SHIT SOMETIMES.

 

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I at least have the decency to be covered in fur - you just walk around the house, buck-ass nude, as if I'm not here LOSING WHAT LITTLE INNOCENCE I HAD LEFT. I get I'm not considered a "guest", but I would have assumed you'd at least not behave like you were COMPLETELY ALONE when I'm around.

 

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That shit was not cool. Was it because I gnawed on one of your laptop cord? That's the last thing I remember getting reprimanded for before going to the vet. If so, PRETTY FUCKED UP that you think that slightly messing up your laptop cord called for genital mutilation. That's what is commonly known as an 'overreaction.'

 

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Yeah, I like The Simpsons too. Pretty good reference, huh?

But for real, what the hell is with this rope attached to my neck, you fucking psychopath?