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This should be a dead giveaway that my body has either been cloned or possessed by some supernatural entity, so please feel free to destroy it immediately.

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Making clear-cut commitments to do things just isn't my style, so if you ever hear these words come out of my mouth, something must be wrong. Please do us both a favor and shoot me point blank in the face right then and there.

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The robot pretending to be me will regret telling a story that preposterous, as his complete annihilation should be instantly sealed the moment it concludes. Thanks in advance.       

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I'll tell you who: ME. The real me. And if I ever claim otherwise, know the person you're talking to is not who they say they are and needs to be dealt with accordingly. 

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I'll tell you who isn't: ME. Anyone who knows me knows the only reason I exercise is because it's something you have to do to keep from looking and feeling like a piece of shit, not because I draw any sort of actual pleasure from it. If I ever ask you to go on a "Fun Run," then, please treat me to a complimentary baseball bat to the temple, because that ain't me, pal. I'd do the same for you.


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That's interesting, alien who stole my body, because you know what's sophisticated enough for my palette? FUCKING EVERYTHING. Unless there's a pile of hair I can't eat my way around, I'm not sending back JACK SHIT, and the fact I ever ordered wine in the first place should be a huge red flag in and of itself. Take that bottle of wine and conk me over the head with it ASAP if you know what's good for you.    

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Nice try, Fake Me. The real me would never THINK about answering a phone call from a number he doesn't recognize, so by even suggesting otherwise you've already blown your cover. Expect a karate chop to the esophagus from whichever of my friends you're currently talking to in 3...2...

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Actually, this one raises an interesting point because the older I...NOW! SHOOT THE BASTARD NOW BEFORE HE GETS AWAY! TAKE THAT YOU IMPOSTER! ROT IN HELL YOU SOUL-STEALING ASSHOLE!