1 Delivery food arrives

Listen, you're not good at planning ahead. If you were, you'd be cooking your own meals instead of ordering a pizza. Also, you'd be having sex sometime when there wasn't a ticking clock that would stop you dead in the middle of the sex doing (note: I do LOTS of sex, trust me). But you're not - so you order a pizza (with spinach topping, which BASICALLY makes it a salad), realize - hey! we've got AT LEAST 20 minutes - let's do a sex. and midway through you hear a knock at the door, someone panickedly has to shout "ONE SECOND" while grasping desperately for underwear, and awkwardly scrambles to find their wallet and pay the delivery guy while hiding your boner.

But the real bummer is...now you both wanna eat that 'za. It's an interruption, but the kind of interruption that marks the end of sex for the night and the beginning of a stomach full of cheese and grease sweats.


There's a lot of reasons you might have the TV on during sex - either someone's in the next room and you're trying to drown out the sounds of the weird groans you make mid-coitus, or you and your partner were just watching Bob's Burgers and for some reason that inspired your passions and you had to start making love RIGHT THEN (and also you can't remember where the remote is). And it's mostly fine, you can drown out the sounds of H. Jon Benjamin's smooth voice and focus on the matter at hand (e.g. sex), but then a REALLY funny joke happens, it catches your ear, and it's over. You start giggling or smiling weird and the sexy mood you were going for is done forever, just because Tina said this:


Note: not at all based on a real thing

3 Music playlist fucks up and starts playing Weird Al songs

Sometimes you need Al Green to set the mood, but then other times you just grabbed a bunch of songs that started with "Al" and ended up with a ton of Weird Al songs, that  - while great - are not ideal for the current situation, unless your partner gets real turned on by following Let's Stay Together with Pretty Fly For A Rabbi.


4 You really have to go to the bathroom

Here's the absolute truth: sex can be very satisfying, but there is NOTHING as satisfying as going to the bathroom when you really, really have to pee. So when (watch out, some edgy sex terms comin' at ya) the sexual intercourse gets initiated and you have to pee real bad, there's almost not even a question - the smart move is to kinda ruin the mood by saying "I HAVE TO PEE FIRST" and then peeing and flushing the toilet and expecting the passion to still be there.

But the sex part of our brain can take control and make you think "Nah, I can hold it" (aka the dumbest phrase known to humanity). You either have real quick, not great sex so you can get to peeing, or you relent and leave for the bathroom when you're even further into the sex. Either way, it serves as a reminder that your 8th beer of the night is sometimes not the best idea.

5 The dog starts barking

Dogs? Great! Sex? Also great. Dogs around sex? Uh, fine, I think? I mean, I don't know for sure, but I'm pretty confident that my dog doesn't understand what's going on when I have sex with someone. I barely understand what's going on when I have sex, so why should an animal who has to wear a cone on his head so he doesn't chew on his balls understand? If dogs DO understand though, I've probably really traumatized the poor guy, emotionally-speaking.

Still, dogs can ruin sex in ways OTHER than staring at you with their haunting, glassy eyes: by barking up a storm, because - while they don't really "get" sex - they know there's a lot of weird movement happening AND none of the attention is on them anymore, so it's bark-time. And the dog-equivalent of "a tiny nude animal screaming at the side of your bed" is pretty much the biggest mood-killer you can imagine.


6 You wake up AND IT WAS ALL A DREAM

Well, so much for being able to brag about finally getting to have sex with Beverly D'Angelo, who was her 1982 self for some reason. Now you have to change the sheets because your mind tricked you into having sex with no one.