They Talk To Him Every Night Before Bed

Sure, you have respect your partner's life outside of you, but if they need to chat up the Messiah himself EVERY night before they can sleep, you might want to double check that relationship. Besides, if your tender and loving embrace hasn't already answered their prayers, there's no use trying to stop their passion for the Christ.


They Talk Him Up To Everyone They Meet

If your partner repeatedly tries to turn people onto the Holy of Holies, chances are they're already turned onto Him too... in a sexual way. They should be calling you "the light of their life," not this robe-wearing homewrecker, who doesn't even know them! I mean, like, really know them like you do!


They Get Together With Other People In A Specific Building To Talk About How Cool He Is 

If your partner appears to be part of some "religion" centered on buttering up a fit, Jewish man, you've already lost. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, unless Jesus changes the water to wine, gets the horse tipsy, and ruins six months of a really good thing you guys had going.  


They Call Out Any Of His Given Names During Intercourse

Physical intimacy is part of most healthy relationships, but not when your partner is imagining our heavenly Lord giving them the old wooden cross in the sack. God may be inside all of us, but when you're inside them, you need to set boundaries. A good way to do this is try to convince your partner life is a pointless abyss and to abandon any belief or adulterous relationship with Jesus Christ. After all, it's called sex, not sects.


They Plan To Spend All Of Eternity With Him

Maybe you hadn't thought that far ahead yet, or even believe in the abstract concept of an afterlife, but if your partner is already planning to abandon you for the King of kings, consider it over. Although, if your partner was dunked in water and promised to the Prince of Peace at birth, that's really on you here.


They Constantly Read His Book

Strong, Jewish, well liked, kind hearted, AND an author?!? Come on, even your mother is suggesting they leave you for the Son of God.