Word broke recently that Sony Pictures would be releasing a remake of the 1995 Robin Williams film, Jumanji, in late 2016. Jumanji is one of those very strange but super memorable kids movies from the 90s - one that's ridiculously fun and watchable, but has a lot of weird stuff going on. And it's one that we've seen so many times, we've noticed a few weird things that we can't get off our minds. Here are just a few of them.
1. Holy shit - every aspect of this is INSANELY grim. Alan is trapped in an alternate universe for 26 years, Sarah lives with the guilt of losing her best friend in inexplicable circumstances, and the two main kids JUST lost their parents?
Are...are we sure this is a kid's film? Alan's whole life is beyond ruined - forced into a harrowing alternate universe as a child, with no explanation of what's happening, and forced to fend for himself for nearly 30 years. Sarah's a broken shell of a person, having endured countless hours of therapy and medication to help her deal with the horror of what she witnessed. The two main kids just had both of their parents die. And David Alan Grier's entire life (and potential fortune) was lost because some kid fucked with his shoe prototype.
That's a pretty dark premise for a movie based on a kid's book about a wacky board game.
2. Alan just lets David Alan Grier take the fall for his fuckup?
David Alan Grier is pretty much the only person in Alan's (childhood) life who's kind and friendly to the kid - and when Alan fucks up his shoe prototype (FOR NO REASON), he just lets David Alan Grier take the fall and doesn't say a goddamn word? HE'S THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO'S NICE TO YOU - maybe stick up for him?
Now, I'm not saying Alan DESERVED to get sucked into a terrifying jungle board game, but...
3. All anyone needed to do to free Alan was roll a 5 or an 8. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TRY THAT?
Alan's parents were so consumed with grief when Alan disappeared, they spent their whole lives and all of their money trying to find him. And Sarah went basically insane - spending thousands of hours in therapy and taking prescription pills to try to cope with existence in the wake of that trauma. But all she needed to do to spare everyone the pain of losing Alan was ROLL THE GODDAMN DICE AGAIN.
Hell, it didn't even NEED to be Sarah (although she could have done the right thing and NOT abandoned her friend in a board game universe when she CLEARLY knew exactly what was necessary to bring him back). Assuming Sarah told someone (and we kinda HAVE to assume she ranted her story to the police or her parents or someone), word would have gotten back to Alan's folks. Maybe they could have rolled the dice (the turn of phrase) and rolled the dice (the literal act of rolling dice). We know that new players can enter the game, and that it didn't HAVE to be Sarah that got a 5 or 8.
Basically, Alan spent 30 years in an actual nightmare world because no one was willing to throw some fucking dice.
4. Robin Williams should be WAY crazier than he is. He's been completely alone in a magic jungle for 26 years.
Sure, Alan's a litttttle eccentric when he gets out of the board game he's been trapped in for his entire adult life, but he should be fucking OUT OF HIS MIND. He manages to compose himself and have a perfect handle on everything almost immediately, even though he's spent the past 30 years with zero human contact - except for a hunter that looked just like his dad TRYING TO MURDER HIM FOR NO REASON.