Picking out phallic produce

I can't spend too long picking out a cucumber in the grocery store without worrying people will think that I'm debating which one is the perfect one to masturbate with BUT I SWEAR IT'S JUST FOR EATING. Oh god, lemme just grab this small one. Wait, if I get a small one, is the cashier going to think that's my size preference? Should I get the bigger one to let them know I have standards? I mean honestly I really prefer a -- NO IT'S HONESTLY JUST FOR EATING, I'm going to grab the first one I see without inspecting for bruises because that old man is already giving me a judgmental look.


Eating Phallic Produce  

I could just eat this banana like a normal human, but instead I'm going to break it apart with my fingers like some dumb toddler playing with her food so it doesn't look sexual.

cranberry juice

Oh god, everyone around me thinks I have a UTI and don't know how to have sex correctly. I JUST LIKE THE TASTE OF CRANBERRIES, OKAY?! OKAY, MAYBE I DO ACTUALLY HAVE A UTI, BUT THAT'S NO ONE'S BUSINESS.



Bringing My Purse into the Bathroom

I'm not on my period, but now everyone assumes it. But I really just wanted to play games on my phone while I'm pooping, but my stupid ladypants don't have pockets!!!

activia yogurt

This was on sale (because I'm assume everyone else is too embarrassed to eat it in public) please stop picturing my face on Jamie Lee Curtis's body on the toilet... I just like to eat delicious food high in protein. 

Taking Sweater Off

Welcome to my  personal strip club, my name's Sleeve Struggles, and I'll be your entertainment for this stuffy business meeting.  I have plenty of more layers under this sweater -- sorry to disappoint your incredulous looks. THIS ROOM IS TOO HOT AND NO I DON'T MEAN IN THE SEXUAL WAY AND YOU KNOW THAT.

Writing My Name in the Snow

Wow, okay, maybe I'm not the BEST, but that is MY signature and I meant for it to look like a dribbly cloud. FUCK YOUR DOUBLE STANDARDS.