1 Running to the next location


Getting to this next bar is taking, like, a FOREVER amount of minutes. WAIT a sec -- why don't you just sprint there? You'll get there faster, and... and that's it! There's no downside! Actually, why don't you just start running everywhere? THE ULTIMATE LIFEHACK.


Showing up to the bar sweaty and heaving and only a few seconds earlier because you ended up walking most of the way anyway is a small price to pay for your BUILT-IN SATURDAY NIGHT WORKOUT! You are a true revolutionary.


2 Not bringing a jacket when its freezing


Look, if you bring a jacket, someone's gonna end up stealing it, or putting it on by mistake, or you're gonna forget it somewhere, or rifle through the pockets and steal all your stuff (which is just a Hale & Hearty 'Frequent Soupers' card, an Ex Machina ticket stub and a Canadian nickel you like to play with in your pocket, but still).


Better play it safe and just cheat hypothermia by the skin of my teeth. Plus now when I arrive at the party and regain the feeling in my fingers, I'll enjoy the party even more!


3 Taking a 65 Uber


Surge pricing? 17 miles? Well... if I just book the car, and pay for the car, and never look at how much it cost after I sober up, in a way, did I ever truly pay for the car? The answer is: who cares I'm doing it.


4 Believing EVERYONE has a really strong positive or negative opinion towards you


Wow, that girl at the bar reacted like she didn't even hear me say "what's up" from a few feet away. She must really hate me. What the hell did I do wrong? And why is SHE so special? "Oooh, I'm 'I Didn't Hear You' Lady, I'm soooo coool cause I judge people instantly and I'm dating like an EDM DJ King or some shit." Whatever.


Now THIS girl, the one who said 'scuse me' and smiled walking past the bathroom line... I don't wanna jinx it but we might be talkin' soul mate material.


5 Combining eating any available food


Gotta eat something before I pass out and none of the delivery places are still open -- I got enough leftover stuff here to whip something up. The crumbled remains of a Tostitos bag, grey poupon, jar of maraschino cherrys from that one night we made cocktails... yeah this'll work, it's totally one of those 'salty & sweet' Top Chef style fine dining meals, a little strange on the palate but it'll totally work.


Maybe I'll throw it over this leftover delivery rice for some texture! It's basically a ceviche. I think that's what ceviche is. Anyway, all I'm SURE of is that I will feel better if I eat this.