1 Select the Perfect Costume

Most people just give everyone the same amount of candy, but some offer special treatment for great costumes, so prepare accordingly. Pick something that's easily recognizable but also unique and preferably doesn't require much thought. Also, don't be scared to go cute with it either. Dressing up as an Oompa Loompa may not sound as fun as being Iron Man, but which is more likely to receive extra candy? The billionaire superhero or the munchkin that works in a chocolate factory? Eye on the prize, pal.

 

2 Pay Attention to Details

If you do decide to go as Iron Man, it'll only be that much harder for your costume to stick out, so go the extra mile. Don't just be "Iron Man," be pre-Avengers Tony Stark wearing with the Mark VI armor from Iron Man 2. It might not sound like much, but when you stumble across a Twix-hoarding 48-year-old Marvel fanatic right around house No. 12, it makes all the difference in the world.

 

3 Scout the Perfect Location

There are two things you should be looking for: moderate income and house-per-neighborhood ratio. Don't target high income. Sure, they can afford more candy but they're also less likely to answer the door and their houses are usually way too spread out for it to be worth your while. Rookie mistake.

 

4 Plan the Perfect Route

You go into a neighborhood without a plan, you might as well kiss two king-size Snickers and a handful of Reese's Cups goodbye right then and there. You really think down-and-back is the most efficient strategy for EVERY street in every neighborhood? What about criss-crossing? Concentric circles? Snake patterns? Clearly this is not something you should be making up on the fly.

 

5 Start Early

Now you may catch some flak because there are rules about this sort of thing, but really, who is going to enforce them? If you show up in costume and the person on the other side of the door has candy, nine times out of 10 they WILL answer and guess what? If they do, that means you now have first dibs on their ENTIRE assortment, and if not, well then it's on to the next one. How early is too early you ask? That's easy: October 30.

 

6 Wait 12 Years

This should be plenty of time for your body's mental and physical development to advance, ultimately producing a stable, increasingly self-sufficient young adult. Don't let the duration drag you down: these are good, formative years that will help in your pursuit.

 

7 Get a Job

Pay is one of the most important considerations in any job offer, but it's particularly important here, as we know in advance the whole point is to purchase retail goods. Try to target stores or businesses that have a connection to the industry, as any internal discounts or favors you can obtain are sure to increase the yield.

 

8 Wait until November 1

The price of candy drops dramatically after Halloween along with demand, so use this economical phenomenon to your advantage. If the job you've chosen doesn't allow for flexible scheduling, make sure to request this day off well in advance.

 

9 Go to the Store

On or after the 1st, go to the store, walk past the fruits and vegetables and other bullshit and head straight to the candy aisle. Bring two carts if you're strong enough, and empty the trunk of your car before you go in.

 

10 Just Buy Some Fucking Candy 

You're an adult for chrissakes. If you want to blow half your paycheck every week on processed sugar, that's your prerogative. Hell, buy some booze and lottery tickets while you're at it. Your childhood is dead...