1 The Youre All Alone For The Night

It's the crown jewel of autoeroticism. You've got the place to yourself and all the time in the world, so you decide to make the most of the opportunity by freely streaming pornography with the sound turned way up and touching yourself in a manner that would make the baby jesus weep salty tears. In the time it took you to do something that usually takes about 3 minutes, you could have been productive in any number of ways. As far as you're concerned, it was time well spent.

 

2 The Rush Job

You wish you were all alone for the night, but unfortunately you're not. Your roommate could be home at any minute and it's now or never. You lock your door, put your headphones in, and work as efficiently as possible to avoid any impending awkwardness. No savoring it...

 

3 The Awkward Adolescent Experience

By now you're a pro at loving yourself, but that wasn't always the case. We don't have to talk about it, but at one point in your upbringing, something pertaining to this list happened that's both extremely embarrassing to you and extremely funny to anyone else who knows about it.

 

4 The Clinical

J-ing O is usually something you do because you want to, but occasionally it's something you do  because NOT doing it would suck really bad. For whatever reason, our bodies were cursed with certain biological discomforts that you just need to deal with. It's not at the top of your to-do list, but you might as well get it over with.