You remember this guy. He was the teacher that let you skip class during his break period, talked shit about the principal, and pretended not to notice when you had your cell phone out. All that was good and fine when you were still a student, but now that you're an adult, he believes those acts of leniency have earned him BFF status. He messages you on FB (or god forbid texts you) asking you to grab lunch or coffee and meet up while you're home. You guys have so much to catch up on, he says. He can't wait to hear what you've been up to, he tells you with an exorbitant amount of smiley face emojis. Little do you know he is totally going to ask you out. Like, for real. He wants to bang you.
You've been living a guilt-free, sugar-based existence for the past few months, and your index finger is currently serving as your toothbrush. Your Mom forces you to visit the much-loathed dentist, claiming, "you might as well while you're home." As you lay back in the chair, blood and spit dribbling down your chin, the dentist makes several passive aggressive comments about floss (who uses floss? I mean, really) and the importance of regular visits. Three fillings and two hours later you leave the office, your jaw numb and your head pounding, and you once again swear that this will be the LAST dentist appointment you ever go to. EVER. Until Easter when your Mom makes another appointment without your knowledge...
You and her used to be the same size--you even shared clothes! Now her perky little slender frame shows evidence of regular visits to the rec, while you make regular visits to Chipotle. She is snug and warm in a skin-tight sweater, but you have had to resort to elastic waistbands and hoodies. She blabbers on about her new college boyfriend, how great true love is, blah blah blah. You respond with a long-winded explanation of why soft-serve ice cream is really the only logical breakfast choice. Clearly you two are headed down two very different life paths...her path involves a lot of cardio, and your path most likely involves you living life in a Hover-Round.
This cousin is a few years older than you but has already lived a life fuller than yours will ever be. The med student is in the Peace Corps where she immunizes orphans. You are forced to watch the whole family fawn over her, as they listen to her stories with agape mouths and rapt attention, eyes wide open. When she mentions that she might do some medical work at a village in Darfur, your Mom pipes in and reminds everyone that you once had a friend from Darfur. You clarify through a mouthful of stuffing that it was not your friend, it was a campus police officer. So, yeah. Pretty much same thing.
Father O'Leary has known you since were just a wee little baby, and when you bump into him wearing pajama pants and your Dad's oversized winter coat, it doesn't take long for him to begin heaping the Catholic guilt all over you. When he asks "How is university treating you?" you hear, "You're wasting a lot of your parents' money partying at that heathen school, aren't you?" When he kindly says, "I sure do hope you're keeping warm," your guilty conscious translates it as, "There is a special kind of fire in hell for students who read Spark Notes instead of the full novel." And as he bids you ado, you instinctively ask him how many Hail Marys you should do in order for God to forgive you for dressing up as Cecil the Lion for Halloween.
When you were just a little teenage baby trying to score some cheap beer for that weekend's party, you had no choice but to rely on the kindness of others. And no one was kinder than a down and out man who you gave cash or alcohol in exchange for buying you booze. Before you had a fake ID and frat parties, this guy was your go-to when you needed spirits. But now, you no longer have a use for him, and you have to awkwardly pass him as you go into the gas station, praying to god he doesn't remember that one time you shared a bottle of Goldschlager with him and confided in him about peeing the bed until you were 15.
Listen: You're going to get drunk. You're going to see your first love. And you're going to say a lot of things you shouldn't. Drunk You will be like, "You should tell him you still think about him all the time, Thanksgiving is the time to tell people how you really feel!" Then, the next day, Sober You will say, "What have you done????? Why is he texting you flirty emojis every four seconds?!?!?!?!" Truth of the matter is you don't think about him all the time, and you don't have lingering feelings, and there are roughly 20,000 male students at your college that you can choose from. There's no room for high school exes.