The kindest of all farts - silent and not very smelly, escaping your butthole like a fluffy puppy gently squeezing through a doggy door. The lullaby of farts.

 

You're on the toilet, you know a tropical shitstorm has been building behind your sphincter for hours now, and your butt precedes the imminent shit hurricane with a loud, bellowing, stank-ass fart that probably makes a few of the neighborhood dogs start barking wildly. Seems to mainly happen when you're at a friend's house or in a public bathroom.

 

You gotta shit, but you see an opening in the near future - the problem is, your butt's fart pressurization is at maximum capacity, and you're either gonna let out a massive fart or even shit your pants if you don't do something fast. So you clench your butthole and perform some gradual mini-farts to relieve the pressure - you have to be careful though, because there are a number of variations within this category, including:

  • The Tiny Gust (the ideal Releasing the Valve mini-fart, silent and consequence-free)
  • The Squeaker (where the mini-fart becomes audible, like you just sat on a duck)
  • The Crack in the Dam (where the mini-fart cannot be controlled and turns into a full-fledged, loud-ass fart)

 

This can come in many forms - maybe you've got the pressure funcooker going, or maybe you're just feelin' a little fart coming on and you figure you might as well let it out...but then the unthinkable happens. It wasn't a fart at all - it was a tiny shit MASQUERADING AS A FART. And worse, it's a liquidy, wet tiny shit - and even though you immediately tried to suck it back into your butthole, you KNOW there's gotta be some residue on your underwear.

 

Same as the Stealth Shit, but it turns out to just have been a real wet fart that your butt tricked you into thinking left some poop behind. Underwear are still spotless, but your buttsweat leaves you shaken.



You feel the fart building and want to cut it off at the pass - a gentle, controlled release will keep it silent and inoffensive. So you start the release and....it doesn't stop. It goes on for, like, a full minute. Which is a long time for a fart! It's like a deflating balloon - how did this much gas even build up in your butthole? Is a fracking company planning on drilling into your butt?

 

You've felt it building in pressure betwixt your buttcheeks for a while, and you realize you don't have time to take a shit, but you can't NOT fart for much longer, so you give in - and you can somehow FEEL how stinky it is, even before the rancid fart-smell reaches your nose (although - disclaimer - we all KINDA like the smell of our own farts, so there's that). It's actually EXTREMELY WARM and seems to take forever to fully expel the gas - like warm molasses slowly pouring out of your butthole, except gaseous and really pissing off the lady sitting next to you on the bus.

 

Whoa - what the FUCK. You just farted - it was loud and stinks and, most importantly, it came out of FUCKING NOWHERE. You didn't even really think you had to fart - it just ESCAPED from your butthole. And as a result, you had no control over the release. Get your butt-game together, dude.

 

My personal favorite type of fart - it's actually a collection of smaller farts, but they really add up to something much larger. You're walking down the street (note: can only be meaningfully performed while walking outside by yourself) and feel the fart-bug tickling you, so you let out a small fart with each stride. It's kinda fun - it puts a bounce in your step, and the compilation of mini-farts guarantees you won't accidentally let out a massive loud number that might draw any attention. Just some little mini nitro boosts that only you and your stinky pants know about.

 

Ah, the tried-and-trusted top brand of fart - call it the Whoopee Cushion or the Duck Scream or Leather Couch any other variation, but we all know it: it's quick and loud and mildly stinky. It's the Coca-Cola of farts.