No one wants to come to a blind date unprepared, and going through your date's social media could help you get to know a bit about the person you're about to meet. What's the harm in checking their interests and history to get a feel on what you can talk about during your date, right? Well, 3 hours later you find yourself digging up their old Myspace account and reading their 8th grade blog about Anime. Forget prepared; you now probably know more about your date than they remember about themselves.
Oh, wait. Your date probably has an internet connection too. Which means they're doing the exact same thing you are right now. Time to quickly go over every single post you ever posted and check for anything that might embarrass you. First things first - check if you still have any Facebook 'Notes'. There has never been a non-embarrassing Facebook note. Now head on down to Twitter and go over each and every one of your 43K tweets. Now delete about 90% of them. Basically just try and erase your whole online presence. It's probably the reason you're going on a blind date with a random person in the first place.
You're all showered and ready to go. Just pick your best outfit and you're done. But your best outfit is probably in the laundry, right? Thought so. Well, now you get to crawl up into parts of your closet you didn't even know existed to find a needle in a haystack - a shirt that actually makes you look presentable. Put it on and go look in the mirror to make sure it's perfect. Wonderful! It is perfect. Too bad the pressure of finding a new outfit 30 minutes before your date caused your body to release a bathtub full of armpit sweat which totally ruined it. Repeat this process until you are wearing the only shirt left in your closet - a hand-sewn Christmas sweater from your grandma.
You only get one chance to impress your date and let them know what an interesting person you are. Think hard about all the funniest and most interesting things that ever happened to you. If you tell them all within the span of an hour, you can totally pass off as someone who did something with their life. Now practice these anecdotes like you're about to perform them at a sold out stand up show at the Apollo. But not just any sold out show, the one that is extra perfect because they're filming it for an HBO special.
There's no better way to pump yourself up and feel confident before a date than to listen to a great playlist of feel-good songs. A good song mix can make you feel extra good about yourself and help you forget all your worries. You are a great person! You can do this! You're sexier than Justin Timberlake and fiercer than Beyonce. You can totally do this. Just don't forget to turn off your iTunes before it continues on to the breakup playlist. Ah, too late. You're deep into Celine Dion now. All your confidence is gone. Careful not to drip that Chubby Hubby pint on your shirt.
It's important to show up on a date after you...relaxed. You know, to ease the pressure. Don't think about it too much, just do it quickly to get it over with and be a bit more chill and focused during the date. Honestly this is the easiest step, unless you are such a mess of a person that you find a way to screw this up too, like that scene in 'There's Something About Mary'.
Is it time to leave the house already? Well, this is the perfect time for your brain to dig up every insecurity you have about yourself. Think about all the bad dates you ever had and how they were all completely your fault. Now try to imagine all the worst scenarios that even brought you to this date - is it a 'Dinner for Schmucks' type of thing where your date had to bring the lamest person they could find? Or maybe it's not even a date at all, and you've been catfished so they can rob your apartment while they know you're out?
No point in even going out anymore. You're so deep in paranoia now that you can't possibly make a good impression on someone new. Better just cancel and either reschedule or pretend you died. It's probably for the best. Your cancelation will probably set in motion a series of chain events that will lead your potential date to meet the love of their life tonight. So, in a way, you HAVE to cancel. Who are you to come between true love?
Nothing feels better than canceled plans. Crack open the bottle of wine you bought just in case things would have gone well tonight, and binge watch a sitcom about an old married couple who hates each other, convincing yourself that you actually made the right call and saved yourself from a lifetime of regret. Cry yourself to sleep.
You might as well just 'Relax' again.
Tinderella: The Modern Day Fairytale