Here are some tricks to make your charade as an adult more convincing.
You're an adult making adult food decisions, like cobb salads and egg salads and devilled eggs for your family pitch-ins. (Uh, yeah you gotta pitch-in now.) You don't have time to sit and pick off little shell crumblies like some dumb, desperate kid after an Easter Egg hunt. Here's a quick way to peel an egg, you kidult.
Do you sweat, sex, or menstruate in your bed? Then you should be washing your bedding ALL THE TIME, you filthy fluid excreter. A duvet cover is an easy-to-wash removable cover for your comforter and should be purchased immediately upon receiving your first full-time job with benefits.
The only downside of a duvet is that it can be a pain to put on, but no longer thanks to the roll trick:
So simple even you can do it!
So you've gone so far as to invest in candleholders, like a responsible flame-fearing adult, but are still too cheap to buy long matches? You can still use free bar matches and a piece of spaghetti to light deep candleholders.
Just don't expect to get laid if you're setting the mood lighting pasta on fire, ya cheapskate.
Need to charge your phone quickly because you are an immature babychild with bad time management skills? Switch your phone to airplane mode while charging for a slightly faster charge. Sure, you'll probably miss a once-in-a-lifetime job offer from Google (please call me back, Sergey) but you might have enough charge to Tinder on the toilet for a few more minutes. Don't believe me? (Good, don't trust everything you read online.) Maybe you'll believe this guy because he has a British accent:
Got a Tinder date and want to Google 'em before you meet up? Need to source an image because you're a goddamn adult, not a shitty Imgur teen who steals work from hardworking artists? You can Google an image by following this guide:
Oh wow, you really don't have your shit together. You accidentally sent that screencap of that terrible thing your sister said TO YOUR SISTER. What are you going to do now... own up to your mistakes like a decent human? No, of course not. Follow this sage Tumblr advice.