Making love to another person isn't a science - there's no perfect plan or set of rules you can follow to make sure everything goes right. However, there are some guidelines of things you SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT DO that might help you out the next time you find yourself in bed with someone else.

1. Fart


Oof - there's not really any more embarrassing bodily function that can happen during sex than a loud, wet fart. It takes you out of the mood, it takes your partner out of the mood, and it fills the air with your gross post-Indian food fart stench instead of the cologne and scented candles you painstakingly set up.

Like, not that I'm getting super specific due to personal experience or anything, just a general tip.

2. Say "Oops, I farted."


You and your partner COULD have moved on - but noooo, you had to vocalize the fart, didn't you, Andrew? Now it's something you two CAN'T ignore. Great job, farter.

Note: to be clear, this didn't happen to me at all, just saying as a rule of thumb it wouldn't be a wise move.

3. Try to make a joke of it by farting again and laughing


DUDE. Even if your partner is the funniest, chillest person alive, they do NOT wanna go to bone-city with someone making fart jokes. You think people are attracted to others with a sense of humor, but they don't want that garbage when making love. C'mon, idiot, how did you even get Jennifer Hazelnut in bed in the first place if you were THAT FUCKING DUMB?

4. Say "Ugh, WHO FARTED?" after the 2nd fart, like as a joke, even though your partner is clearly not laughing


Now you're getting desperate, doing the "Who farted?" gag when there's only one other person in the room. Sure, that MIIIIGHT have worked the one time you said it in an elevator with Lucille Hautzman, but she was probably just being polite by laughing and almost definitely talked bad about you behind your back for being a gross weirdo. But even if she didn't, do NOT do that in your bedroom when you're literally inside of another person sharing in the most intimate act two humans can have RIGHT after she let you grind on her at Mark's house earlier in the evening.

5. Realize you shit yourself a little when you forced out that 2nd fart


Oh goddammit I am such a fucking dumbass

6. Not tell your partner about the little bit of shit right before they start doing butt-stuff


I mean, you've already ruined things permanently, why not make them as awful as can be? The lesson here - ALWAYS TAKE A DUMP BEFORE SEX. Don't leave this stuff up to chance. Christ. Jennifer is never going to look at you again. How are you supposed to show your face at OfficeMax now???

7. Calling them by the wrong name and talking dirty when you don't know how to talk dirty


Well, kinda wasted the first 6 items on this list by going over a specific incident that definitely didn't happen to me, so gotta fit the rest into one last entry. Always call your partner out by the right name, because duh why would you say "Jessica" you idiot, and "talking dirty" doesn't mean calling yourself "mommy's bad boy" and oh my god I have to disappear Don Draper style don't I???

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