1. "I can't finish this - you want the rest?"
Oh yeeeeah baby, put it ALL in my mouth! All of that excess pizza, that is.
2. "Don't worry, I signed your name to the birthday card."
Ooo honey you know JUST how I like to receive credit for basic etiquette while still being lazy.
3. "My work party has an open bar."
Oh yeah! RIGHT THERE! WE GET TO BE HAMMERED TOGETHER WITHOUT SPENDING A BUTTLOAD AT A BAR AND ARGUING ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A TIP IS APPROPRIATE!
4. "I don't wanna miss anything so I'm pooping with the door open."
Oh my god you are so f***ing hot, not making me pause this awesome show just because you have diarrhea.
5. "Let's just stay in this weekend."
I have never been so hard in my life.