1. "I can't finish this - you want the rest?"
Oh yeeeeah baby, put it ALL in my mouth! All of that excess pizza, that is.
2. "Don't worry, I signed your name to the birthday card."
Ooo honey you know JUST how I like to receive credit for basic etiquette while still being lazy.
3. "My work party has an open bar."
Oh yeah! RIGHT THERE! WE GET TO BE HAMMERED TOGETHER WITHOUT SPENDING A BUTTLOAD AT A BAR AND ARGUING ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A TIP IS APPROPRIATE!
4. "I don't wanna miss anything so I'm pooping with the door open."
Oh my god you are so f***ing hot, not making me pause this awesome show just because you have diarrhea.
5. "Let's just stay in this weekend."
I have never been so hard in my life.
6. "Turns out I'm not pregnant, just gassy."
Ohhhh yeah that's the spot, continued lack of responsibility for another human's life, ooohhh yeah.
7. "Oh shit, I forgot to buy you something for our anniversary."
Ohhhh my godddddddd yessssss that means the Starbucks giftcard I got you won't look shitty yesssssss HARDER HARDER
8. "I'm giving up alcohol for Lent so I can be the designated driver for the next couple weeks."
KEEP GOING KEEP GOING KEEP GOING
9. "Let's just each order our own pizza."
OHHHH YEAH YES YES YES THAT MEANS I CAN GET PINEAPPLE AND ONION YESSSSSS
10. "We are definitely not having sex tonight."
Thank god, I am so tired and gassy from all that pizza. A promise of no sex is honestly the sexiest thing anyone could have said in this moment.