Ugh, this always sucks because NO ONE goes all the way to a public bathroom JUST to wash their hands. I know it's a lie, the people in the stalls who heard me come in know it's a lie, but I still do it because I'm a coward.
Oh man, ALWAYS leave a buffer zone. Seriously. I'm not worried about you peeking at my dick or anything, but now I'm getting a shy bladder and this whole thing got a lot more complicated.
HOW did that much piss get on the floor?! Were you even AIMING at the urinal?
Sidenote: whoa, how did THIS MANY pubes get on the urinal? Like, it's only 4 or 5, but that's A LOT for a urinal.
Listen, I know we work together and might have some things we need to discuss (or maybe you're just making small-talk), but this is NOT the time nor the place. We're all here to do some terrible, shameful business, so let's not extend our time here by any longer than necessary. If you really want to talk, just wait until we leave the room that people enter to expel feces in.
On the one hand, it's KIND of nice. A nice warm seat, especially when it's the middle of winter or something. But then your mind is inevitably going to wander to the ass that was here before. How clean was that ass? My ass and that ass now have shared a toilet seat, so they're intimately connected for all time - like Voldemort and Harry Potter. I don't think my ass is ready for that.
Oh c'mon, now I gotta flush it before sitting down. And that's assuming it's not clogged! Just common courtesy, folks.
What a nightmare - one stall, but it's been ruined by some inconsiderate MONSTER, who created a disaster and ran for the hills.
Listen, accidents happen - I'm sure you didn't MEAN to clog the toilet, but you need to take responsibility for your evil, twisted actions. Now if someone walks in a few moments later, they'll think I'm the responsible party. How DARE you put me in that position? Now I'm dealing with your mess AND I still have to take a shit.
Why do you care so much about my genitals? You understand that you've been going to the bathroom next to transgender people your entire life and you haven't noticed one way or the other, right? No one has any actual reason to care about what gender you were assigned at birth - we're all here to take a shit and get out before our social anxiety causes us to panic.
That's it. Stop making the place where we all take shits EVEN SHITTIER.