Candy is good and tasty. Candy is sweet and comforts. Candy is evil and lies. Candy is a LIAR. WHY ARE YOU A LIAR, CANDY? WE'VE EXPOSED YOU, CANDY, FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE.


1. Reese's*

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2. Milky Way

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3. Starburst

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4. Take 5

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5. 3 Musketeers

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6. Runts

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7. Milk Duds

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*(Which, by the way, is pronounced REES - IS. IT BELONGS TO A MAN OR WOMAN NAMED REESE. WHAT IS A REE-SEE, YOU ASS?)

Illustrations by Jesse "Who laid a finger on my Butterfinger?" Eisemann.