Twitter's a truly wonderful tool - it's the perfect way to transform your fears about the world and personal insecurities into snappy, 140-character jokes so you don't have to confront any of them in sincere, potentially emotionally-devastating ways. Plus, it feels pretty nice when someone retweets you 'n all.
Donald Trump asking about nuclear weapons is the biggest red flag since Voldemort asked about Horcruxes as a teenager at Hogwarts.-- Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) August 3, 2016
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.-- Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) June 29, 2012
"I'm on Tinder to make friends"-- Jack (@kcajnosduh) November 17, 2015
"Sure, and I'm on PornHub to see if this plumber manages to fix this sink"
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge-- Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I'm definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back "lol" after a few minutes.-- Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) March 8, 2014
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]-- David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 20, 2015
"Useless piece of shit."
I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season-- Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) March 23, 2015
facebook: racist moms-- Luke O'Neil (@lukeoneil47) August 13, 2016
reddit: racist teens
twitter: racist journos
tumblr: so not-racist they're racist again teens
insta: a nice sandwich
here i made the best arthur meme pic.twitter.com/fqqNF4QLh3-- eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) July 29, 2016
Feeling unmotivated? Look at this incredibly badass Chinese statue. It won't help, but it's freakin badass pic.twitter.com/yesg0DjFKs-- Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) August 17, 2016
INTERVIEWER: whats one of ur strengths-- Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) June 21, 2016
ME: i perform well under pressure
INTERVIEWER: ok can i have an example
ME: [throwing up] im so sorry
SCIENCE: This is true.-- Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) March 20, 2015
HALF OF AMERICA: No.