1.

*gaaaassp Oh my God. What a dream. What a terrible dream that happened because I'm the main character and someone's after me, or I did something fucked up, or am thinking about doing something fucked up to another character in this movie. Well that does it. Because of this dream, I'm going to make a CHANGE today. Because I just CAN'T go on like this.

 

2.

Poo poo to rubbing your eyes and slowly crawling out of bed from under the sheets! Waking up is an exercise in going 0-60 in as short an amount of time as humanly possible! The nanosecond your alarm clock beeps, you've gotta jolt out of bed like Jack be Nimble and jauntily zip through your routine while a Hall and Oates song plays.

3.

Man I do NOT wanna get up today. If only there was some sort of solution to this problem Wait, I know! I'll barefist my alarm clock. Yeah, that's good. I'll smash it to death. That way I'll need to make a stop on my way home from work today and pick up a new alarm clock so that I can wake up tomorrow.

 

4.

Blinking a couple times? Furrowing your brow? Hazily asking a blurry figure "Wha, where am I?" Hope you've got insurance my friend, because your ass is in a hospital. Extra credit if you ask "Am I dead?", to which the doctor will always chuckle and says, "Nope, but about as close as you can get. The bullet missed a major vein by 1 inch."

5.

 

Not today! On this most important day!? Shit, shit, shit, shit! Gotta throw on the shoes and...why won't the car start!?! This CANNOT be happening today. I've been preparing for this day for so long because of its high importance! I'm so desperate that if a small neighborhood child riding a tricycle passes, I have no choice but to take it!

 

6.

UGGGGGGHHHHHHH everything hurts. Last night was insane. I'm not in my bed and also look at this mess!!! I don't remember anything. If only I knew where my pesky alarm clock was I'd smash that thing to bits with my bare goddamn hands.

7.

Hate mornings? Well have we got the solution for you. Try: Sex and/or Love! Sex and/or Love will have you waking up, immediately cognizent of the little miracles that come with the dawn of a new day. Additionally, you for some reason willI have nowhere to be, afforded the opportunity to take as much time getting up as you want.

8.

BWWWAAAAAAAAAA!!!!