So you don't think you're the "Relationships" type, or you're afraid of commitment, or you don't like most people and feel cursed to die alone and moderately confident you're not being dramatic just realistic with that assesment? Well DON'T WORRY! I used to believe all three of those things about myself, until I got into a great relationship and discovered these 12 ACTUAL Best Parts About Being In A Relationship that no one ever tells you about:

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When you're single and your birthday arrives, you have only two options and both of them are terrible: A) Act like you don't care too much and rely on your friends to plan a birthday thing for you, which they either won't or they'll throw together something half-assed, or B) Be that person who loudly plans their own birthday stuff.

When you're in a relationship, the birthday-planning duties automatically fall to your partner, who knows what you like and has a vested interest in actually putting some effort into the thing, allowing you to still act like your birthday "isn't a big deal" while also enjoying all the well-planned shit.



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You: "Sorry, my girlfriend's not really feeling well so we're just gonna kinda lay low tonight, sorry to miss your show!!!"

Your Girlfriend: "Sorry, [Annoying Co-Worker], my boyfriend's not really feeling well so we're just gonna lay low tonight, sorry to miss your drinks thing!!!"

Boom. Free night for both of you.



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When you're with a new partner, one bad sexual experience early on can really affect your opinion of one another or make you instantly selfconscious (thus likely ruining subsequent experiences as well.) In a relationship, a night of failed drunken sexploits can turn into something you just laugh about the next day.

Or, to use a terrible analogy: Bad sex in a new relationship is like losing a college football game; if it happens once or twice, you're probably finished. Bad sex in a long-term relationship is more like losing a regular season baseball game; it's no big deal and you'll have a hundred more chances to make up for it.



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"Time to get up... OH WELL, looks like they beat me to the bathroom. Literally no choice but to lay here for another 15 minutes, then another 50 minutes after she's out of the bathroom, as a buffer or something. Might have to just take the day off, even."



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It's a glorious milestone when you're close enough in a relationship with someone where you can just rip on people in your life without: A) Worrying that your romantic interest will think you're some kind of hate-mongering asshole, rather than just a regular person who sometimes needs to rip on people, or B) Worrying that they'll tell the person you're ripping on, because you're automatically closer with them than the rippee.*

*Unless, of course, you're ripping on their super-close friend, in which case your relationship probably won't last and frankly it's impressive it's gotten this far.



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Remember early-on in the relationship when you were afraid to go to the bathroom for longer than a minute because then they'd KNOW you were an animal who needs to occasionally defecate to remain alive & functioning? And you'd make shit up, like "ahh had to adjust my contact and also wash my hands and floss a few times also some other stuff but definitely wasn't shitting though, now or ever, really"?

Eventually, you'll reach the point where you can not only use the bathroom for more than a minute, you can even tell your other to pause the thing you're watching because it's gonna be a while. And bring your iPad into the bathroom with you if you want, who cares, you're not breaking up anytime soon.



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First off, you get free occasional massages in a relationship, so that's already a huge leg-up on "not massages."

But beyond that, when a significant other is massaging you, you get to avoid that really weird moment when a professional masseuse is about to massage your buttal area and neither of you know what's going to happen, and you kind of want a butt massage because your butt muscles are always super tense, but you definitely don't want some hotel employee stranger literally grasping your butt cheeks for 5 minutes to the haunting sounds of a royalty-free "Sounds of the Island Spirit" cd.

Single people: You're literally walking around with YEARS of built-up tension in your butt muscles. That shit's dangerous.



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Watching 9 episodes of Black Mirror while you're home alone eating delivery on a Friday? Fun, sure, but you're being "antisocial."

Watching 9 episodes of Black Mirror while you're with your partner eating delivery on a Friday? That's just a wonderful Friday spending quality time with the one you love.



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Ahhh, nothing beats a significant other making a "sick" run for you, picking up some soup and ginger ale and medicine then cooking for you and you thanking them adorably. The perfect mix of adorable coupleness and practicality!

When you're single, what are you gonna go? Ask your roommate to do some grocery shopping for you? Attempt to leave the house and walk around and interact with cashiers? Hell no. You're gonna sit there and rationalize that all you need is sleep and the two things left in your apartment (balsamic vinegar's good for colds, right?) then wait to feel better or die.



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If the event is unskippable (See: List Item #2) then here's your next best out:

"Hey we'd love to stay, but he's gotta wake up early tomorrow and do some work, so we should probably bolt. Also he's very drunk, so really we're not ditching your party, we're improving it by being extremely sensible. But thanks for having us!"


Boom. Social obligation defeated. NEXT STOP: #8 on this list.



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Also, when someone you meet mentions their girlfriend/boyfriend, you don't instantly get mad at them for having their own life that existed before this precise moment. Those bastards.



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Or you're acting dumb. Or just, when you are dumb. And they're right. And you know they're right, and you don't get mad. Is there anything more valuable than that?



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Forgot to mention that, but that's totally part of this list too. But I already used up the 12 things. But yeah, love, companionship etc.


But seriously, again, those butt massages...

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