If The Charlie Brown Halloween Special Were Honest

  1. Linus

    Just think, Sally, when the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch, we'll be there to see him!

  2. Sally

    Uh. Hey, Linus? Since when were you in a pagan cult?

  3. Linus

    Pagan cult? No - I just worship a nature-associated deity in an extremely small religion I came up with that others view as sinister and strange.

  4. Sally

    Weren't you, like, HYPER Christian? You were the one literally reciting Bible verses last Christmas. I don't think Christianity would mix too well with your pagan cult and worship of false of idols.

  5. Linus

    Listen, all I'm saying is that there's an all-powerful pumpkin god who only I know about who will come and cleanse humanity from sin and filth while rewarding the righteous.

  6. Sally

    Oh boy, I never really asked this but - what do you actually believe the Great Pumpkin will do once he arrives?

  7. Linus

    He will bring torrents of blood and fire that will wash the scum from the Earth. And those who were clean - the true believers like you and I - will be spared from the Great Pumpkin's terrible wrath. The rest of the sinful masses will suffer and writhe as the Great Pumpkin flays the world bare. From the ashes will arise a new world, a better world. The Great Pumpkin will take us to paradise, where we will live eternally in pleasure.

  8. Sally

    How has NO ONE realized you were running a one-person cult?

  9. Linus

    Two person cult, Sally. After all, you did come here.

  10. Sally

    Oh jeez.

  11. Linus

    ...do you want any Kool-Aid, Sally?

  12. Sally

    Thaaaat's okay. I think I'm gonna head out, maybe I can still get some trick-or-treating in.

  13. Linus

    Why don't you believe in the Great Pumpkin, Sally?

  14. Sally

    Well, it's just an obviously insane cult. You think some magical omnipotent being is just gonna roll in during a holiday and bestow gifts on the good and punish the wicked? That's messed up.

  15. Linus

    FYI, that's literally the same thing as Santa Claus.

  16. [Pause]
  17. Sally

    ...shit. Got me there.

  18. Linus

    We have no parents and I'm 90% bald at age 8. You have a dog who keeps having World War I flashbacks and a brother who is 99% bald and suffers from serious depression. Our only therapy option is my selfish, greedy, cruel sister. Child Services has failed us so badly that there's literally a kid covered in filth 24/7 and no one has done anything to help him. Pagan death cults are honestly a pretty decent option for kids in our situation.

  19. Sally

    You said it. Pass me some of that Kool-Aid.


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