Everyone's family is embarrassing in different ways.
From your weird Uncle Eddie who tells too many dirty jokes to your 12-year-old cousin to Shit-Pants Susan who pooped herself one time at a family reunion and will never live it down, these stories become infamous, albiet hilarious, parts of your family history.
At the end of the day, family is family and you're bonded by blood whether you like it or not, even if most of the time you really don't like it.
1. Karfedix_of_Pain had a prankster for a dad:
My father dressed as some kind of homeless hippie the first time he met my wife.
He's always delighted in embarrassing his children. And he's always enjoyed costumes. So this was the perfect opportunity for him...
He was in town visiting. I picked my wife up and we were going into the hotel where he was staying. And this homeless hippie guy accosted us in the parking lot, asking for change.
I did the usual thing where you kind of avoid eye-contact and mutter something about not having any cash...
And then I noticed that he looked kind of familiar... And then I realized it was my father... And then I was horrified.
2. blueeyesredlipstick goes to a comedy roast:
My uncle liked to do comedy roasts at family events that were always in terrible taste and very crude, but usually only aimed at family members, so he got away with it.
Then, at my aunt's 25th anniversary party, he did a roast that included a lot of shots about a recent news story -- a teenager threw a frozen turkey out a window and it caused a car crash that severely mutilated someone. Thing is, he did that roast right in front of the parents of the teenager who did it, because the parents were friends of my aunt.
He's not allowed to do comedy monologues at parties anymore.
EDIT: My family does not normally have microphones at parties, just at big-deal ones like a major anniversary party or a wedding. Most of my uncle's monologues did not involve microphones, just rambling at us in someone's living room over Christmas or something. Him performing in front of a big-deal party in front of people outside the family (with, yes, a microphone) was part of why this one specific occasion was so upsetting to my aunts/uncles.
3. online-version sees the ultimate dad joke live in person:
When I was a kid my brother asked my Dad during dinner for 'toast with nothing on'. Plain toast, no butter or whatever (my brother was a weird kid)
My Dad went off to the kitchen and came back a few minutes later completely naked. He placed a plate with toast on the table and proudly said 'There! Toast with nothing on. You're welcome.'
4. Lumpyalien experiences an akward Christmas morning:
My younger brother coming downstairs Christmas morning with a wet patch on his pyjamas and insisting he didn't wet his pants. He had a weird dream about marshmallow people who were cuddling him too hard.
5. petitepantaloons has a friend who's a bit backed up:
Drunk dialed 911 twice because she was constipated. She passed out on the couch before EMTs arrived, complained about how long it took the ambulance to arrive, complained about the lights and siren, refused to go with the EMTs, refused to sign the waiver, refused any home treatment (laxative, OTC pain meds, water, etc.) and called EMTs back four hours later to report the exact same problem. Two hours after that she left the hospital with a hefty bill and a prescription for Miralax.
6. I_Hate_Terry_Lee goes to dinner:
Not the most embarrassing, but the most recent:
My family went to Benihana for dinner (a Japanese hibachi place). The waiter asked us if we had any allergies and my dad blurts out, "I'm allergic to cats!" Because he is.
But the waiter just kind of looked at him and with a flat expression said, "We don't serve cat here."
7. Pokefraker is secretly a goy:
My GF's family thinks I'm Jewish because of a joke I made at Thanksgiving, and when her grandfather died they did a Jewish prayer at the funeral just for me and I was so god-damn embarrassed.
8. tst3c's mom is a wild one:
My mom asked my sophomore year girlfriend if she was a virgin. The very first time she met her. Not funny whatsoever
I was on a cruise and I was walking with my Mom, Dad and buddy. Well my Mom saw these two model-esque bombshell blondies getting their cruise pictures done in the photo hallway, then proceeds to shove me into the middle of them and says 'Hey Girls, this one's single! Why don't you say hello! His name is (me)'.' Not funny then, very funny now
This is just the beginning
9. kkielle takes a beach trip:
at a very crowded beach my obese aunt tried to "save" a pigeon (there was absolutely nothing wrong with it). it flew away when she bent down to grab it and she rolled down a hill and landed in a fire ant pile. she flopped around like a beach whale trying to get up while slapping at the ants biting her and screaming the whole time
10. diffyqgirl is too scarred to go shopping:
My mom yells at retail workers. It's mortifying.
11. VictorBlimpmuscle witnesses a true train wreck:
My cousin, who was probably about 22 at the time, got so shit-faced at another one of our cousin's wedding, that he got into a argument with the bartenders working the reception because they cut him off, then stormed off but it was more of a drunk-stumble, and he fell right into not only the table holding the wedding cake, but smack-dab into the cake itself, destroying most of it. Then after being helped to the bathroom to clean himself up, he shit his pants and then passed out while hiding out in a stall because he was too embarrassed to let anyone know he shat himself. He was found near the end of the reception passed out on the toilet, holding wads of shitty toilet paper because it looked like he was attempting to clean himself up, but then gave up and passed out.
12. NorseZymurgist has a hunchback mother-in-law:
When my wife was a young teen, she asked her mom (my mother in law) to walk slightly behind her in the mall, so as to not embarrass her (i.e. to be seen with her mom). She complied ... except she did the Igor-Hunchback-Limp-Leg-Shuffle when my wife wasn't looking. Justified if you ask me ...
13. djreyno may like cucumbers a little too much:
I like cucumbers. I put them in sandwiches and salads and use them instead of chips with dip. My husband hates them so I keep them out of his food. One day while shopping in the produce section he pulls a cuke out of the shopping cart and demands loudly: "What do you do with these? You buy them all the time but we never eat them!"
The looks we got were priceless. We are in our 60s.
14. Ronnylicious's cousin has the holiday spirit in him:
I was a little kiddo, but I remember my cousin saying:
my weenie just got really big for one minute?!" in front of the whole family at christmas.
His first erection, shared with all his relatives. Nice.
15. Hegezii recieves a new nickname:
First of all, I love my dad but sometimes I remember this and still remind him
Few weeks after 6th grade had started, my dad drove me to school. Unfortunately he had a time bomb ticking in his bowel system and he had to fucking RUN to kids restroom and he absolutely fucking ruined it. The smell was in the hallways...
As you might guess, few kids saw it and I was known as the diarrhea kid... Yeah, 6th grade was rough...