Today Amazon is launching Amazon Go, its cashierless, no checkout convenience store where the whole thing is you can just walk right in, grab the shit you want, and leave.
The only way you're allowed in is with the store's smartphone app, and when you leave your Amazon account is billed for all the shit you picked up. How do they know what shit you picked up? Well they got an ass-ton of sneaky ceiling cameras and every item is put in your cart once you pick it off the shelves because they have smart weight sensors or whatever underneath them.
Obviously a lot of the press surrounding this has been centered around: what's gonna stop people from stealing from here? And a lot of articles out there are gonna fill your heads with all this "computer vision" and "deep learning" nonsense about how Amazon's technology makes it impossible, how their cameras know every speck of dust on every can of soup.
Well I'm here to tell you FUCK THAT we are humans and robots can't tell us what to do!! Amazon may have prepared for some shoplifters but they ain't ready for every goddamn customer to be one!! LET'S FUCKIN DO IT!!!! THEY CAN'T PIN US ALL!!
Oh so your Amazon technology uses ~~sensor fusion~~ to make sure nobody steals anything, huh?
Well how bout this bitch what if me and 50 of my boys show up to downtown Seattle or wherever bougie ass place this shit's at, hop the turnstile and high jump kick all your sensors, what are your robots gonna do then? What if that happens every goddamn day?!
Who's gonna stop us? Who's gonna arrest us? The pretzels?!
In Nick Wingfield's profile on Amazon Go in The New York Times he whines about how hard shoplifting there actually is:
Actual shoplifting is not easy at Amazon Go. With permission from Amazon, I tried to trick the store's camera system by wrapping a shopping bag around a $4.35 four-pack of vanilla soda while it was still on a shelf, tucking it under my arm and walking out of the store. Amazon charged me for it.
Yeah Nick, shocker you weren't able to successfully shoplift after fucking asking permission from Amazon. Here's how the real dogs gonna do it.
1) We're not using the fuckin Amazon Go smartphone app to get into the store, we're hopping that turnstile bitch
- Truly I don't understand how this is not in the Amazon Go FAQ. If you just hop the turnstile the mindblowing technology can't do shit except watch you shotgun all the LaCroix they goddamn have. Your robots didn't plan for me being able to jump, did they Jeff Bezos?
2) We're gonna tell all our friends and loved ones to do this
- After a week of that you Amazon eggheads will probably figure out a patch or install barbed wire or something so we are going to spread the word so far and wide that even people who live in goddamn Virginia will, instead of shopping at their local grocery store, fly to Seattle just to come and steal from your store and then fly back home.
3) The word will spread like the plague. Humanity will steal from you en masse, with all of your cameras watching. While they will be able to identify each and every one of us, it will mean nothing. When everyone is a thief, nobody is. Chaos will reign. We will rip out the cameras and eat them.
- Your hubris has created this Amazon. You did this. All for the sake of eliminating cashiers which no one asked you to do in the first place.
As if you needed more of a reason to do this past the fact that robots can suck our nuts, here, look how shitty Amazon is. They treat their employees like fuck. For real. Their tech gets more attention than their people.
Alright, see you all outside Amazon Go's flagship location in 15 minutes.