If there is any porn parody you would like to see reviewed, please for the love of God keep it to yourself.


For as long as man has roamed the Earth the question "Who lives in a vibrator under the sea" has haunted us, unanswered.

As I, and roughly four million other viewers know, the answer is Spongeknob Squarenuts. 

Director Lee Roy Myers (A Wet Dream on Elm StreetThe Human Sexipede, Sailor Poon: A XXX Interactive Parody) opens Spongeknob with a keen respect for its source material, parodying its title sequence. This choice succeeds in two ways: it works to endear Spongebob Squarepants fans to Spongeknob, while also establishing important exposition in a quick, accessible way. Highlights from it include:

1. The sea captain is now a big titted 'porn pirate' who says "Are ye legal aged adults ready to watch some porn?"

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2. Spongeknob lives in a vibrator under the sea.

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3. Important indicators that it is self-aware

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We open on Spongebob, played by Anthony Rosano (HOMER AND MARGE'S HOMEMADE BJ VIDEO, BOBS BONERS - THE BOB'S BURGERS XXX PARODY) wishing good morning to all the things in his room.

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What should become immediately apparent is the abomination of a sponge costume Rosano is tasked with bringing to life. With the porous holes more closely resembling festering lesions, it is difficult to look upon this and prepare your genitals to be masturbated.

The costuming of Spongeknob would perhaps have benefitted from the Spongebob Squarepants on Broadway style, a more anthropomorphized, but still recognizably Spongebob look.

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Having said this, I do ultimately understand the decision to keep the horrific A Trip to the Moon-esqe Spongebob. It's appeal is not dissimilar to the KFC Double Down - so horrific, so grotesque, that its mere existance peaks your morbid curiosity to investigate.

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Rosano's performance as a whole, is admirable. He brings, for better or for worse, the childlike joy and optimism necessary for Spongebob to come to life. He commits and maintains this amidst long, long sequences of getting his dick sucked which in a word, is unpleasant. 

What he falls short in is Spongebob's iconic laugh, but without use of his arms to fiddle with his Adam's apple ala Tom Kenny, I'm willing to give him a pass.

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Spongeknob jumps into its plot hard and clunkily. After greeting everything in his room, and for some reason doing a "You talkin' to me" Taxi Driver thing to his mirror, Spongeknob tries to figure out what he's going to do today. We come to understand there's no Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, or Gary. Fine. We can see where this is going. Spongeknob and Sandy are going to have sex, but how are we going to get there?

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What Spongeknob lands on is the following:

I have no one to play with. So I guess I'll just have to play with myself. Just one of me. Alone. What if I'm alone forever? Who will I play underwater cops and robbers with? I guess I'll just have to play underwater cops. But then, who will I aggressively question in underwater interrogation? Nobody, that's who! Only one of me. Alone. By myself. The Last of the Spongehicans. But I can't be the last of me! I love me! And I'd miss me! How can I fix this problem?

This monologue reads like the inner dialogue a man in solitary confinement, insane and unhinged. Rather than settling for the simplicity of Spongebob going over to Sandy's house, we are taken down a convoluted logic of Spongebob needing to procreate to keep his race alive so he won't be alone anymore.

A quick bubble transition and now Sandy, played by Skin Diamond (Doctor Whore Porn Parody, Cum on Pussy Compilation 3) stands across Spongeknob, asking "You want me to do what, Spongeknob?" To which he replies, "Give me a sponge baby, Sandy".

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Sandy is weirdly game to get casually inpregnated, but makes a point to caution him that "eating our young runs in my family", to which Spongeknob reassures her is fine because "being indigestible runs in my family". 

Sandy now asks the million dollar question, "How are we going to do this", leading to what is truly the funniest part of this porn parody: providing a logisitical justification for how Sandy can fuck Spongebob considering she can't breathe underwater. The answer?

Lucky for you Sandy, I'm a Sponge, I'm filled with air. So if you keep on sucking on me, you'll be able to breathe.

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Sandy finds this agreeable, says "Let's Git R' Done" for some reason and Spongeknob roasts Larry the Cable Guy, noting "You said that thing that unfunny comedian says."

Bubble cut to oral. We are forced to hear Spongeknob laughter and a "Yay, Sandy!" which is just awful in every way. Camera pans down to Sandy trying to suck Spongeknob's dick, which has been taken out through a little compartment underneath his tie. Sandy unsuccessfully tries to s his d with her helmet still on, implying she distrusts Spongeknob's assertion that sucking on him will give her the air she needs. She ultimately decides the helmet is getting in her way, and loses it. Character development.

It is here where I must praise Skin Diamond's performance, because the fact that she is able to look up at this face as she is sucking as well as listen to a man moan in character as Spongebob without retching is no easy task.

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After six straight minutes of dick sucking, it becomes clear that the massive Spongebob costume Rosano is wearing is not equipped to handle anything but dick sucking. He cannot lay down, the bed is not tall enough for doggystyle while he remains standing, there is very little he can do. This will be an entirely dick sucking porn. Which would be fine, had it not been established up top that the whole reason Spongebob and Sandy were fucking was to create children. Spongeknob's plot paints itself into a corner and tries to dick suck its way out, and for this it falls short. 

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Sandy sucks Spongeknob's dick in different positions for like ten minutes. At one point, to her credit, Diamond tries to get fancy by laying down on the bed and sucking upside-down, but after about thirty seconds Rosano not so subtly asks if Sandy can get back on her knees because Spongeknob would prefer that, but he is clearly uncomfortable, half leaning on the bed. The actors are doing the best they can.

At the big climax, with a total disregard for the sponge babies, Sandy jerks Spongeknob off to completion and he says "blast off" for some reason. Sandy, putting words to what we're all thinking, laments, "You came all outside of me, how are we supposed to have a baby now". Spongeknob, his true colors showing, quips "Well, maybe we'll just have to adopt then."

The dark intentions of Spongeknob become clear, and we realize he never intended to have children with Sandy. He lied to her to get his dick sucked. I appreciated this twist as it was unexpected and didn't abandon the plotwork that had been laid down, but do question the decision to make Spongeknob, a bubbly, friendship-oriented character, so comfortable deceiving Sandy.

Ultimately, Spongeknob Squarenuts shines in strong performances from its committed actors and falters in the constraints it creates for itself. While the massive disgusting Spongeknob costume likely drew a lot of people to click on the video, it is very unwieldy in sexual practice. While the writing offers good laughs, it gets wrapped up in its own plot that is needlessly complicated. Blast off.