If there is any porn parody you would like to see reviewed, please for the love of God keep it to yourself.


Pokemon fans far and wide, gather round for the rarest of candies that I guarantee will make you hurt yourself in confusion. I am still applying Full Heals to my eyeballs.

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Let's dive right into it, Strokemon starts with opening credits and a parody of the Pokemon theme song that goes thusly:

I train to be the very best

I've touched so many balls

I've gotta take an STI test

I've probably caught them all

I've stroked it hard across the land

And they always come for more

Each Strokemon has felt my grip

And now my hand is sore

Strokemon, gotta bang them all

It's just me and you

You keep my balls from going blue

Strokemon! My best friend with benefits

Yeah they love your Pokedick

Strokemon! Gotta bang em all

We're a Stroketeam

Our courage will make you cream

Oh it's your wet dream, Strokemon

Gotta bang em all, Strokemon!

With the credit sequence complete, we open on Pokemon trainer Gash (Tyler Nixon), his friends Cock (Aj) and Fisty (Kassondra Raine), as well as his trusted Strokemon Dikachu (Rizzo Ford), as they wander from bedroom to bedroom in search of Strokemon to catch, in "this strange and sexy Neo-Asian yet strangely slightly Asianless magical talking creature-filled pastel color Fury Road-like future game". 

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If you were wondering how they planned on tackling Pikachu costume-wise, the answer is a resounding: poorly.

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In my own words, I'd describe Dikachu as the bastard child spawned from passionless sex between Jim Carrey's Grinch and a middle school paper mache art project where the kid making it didn't fully understand the instructions.

In other people's words:

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So anyway, Dikachu and the gang encounter this little friend on the right, who looks like the Alaskan Bull Worm from Spongebob. We learn, from it saying so, that it's name is Succudri. 

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This thing instills significant fear into everyone's hearts. Fisty notes "It looks like it could cause more damage than an episode of Dr. Oz". Cock exclaims, "I'm not going anywhere near that thing." Gash covers his cock in fear. 

This text flies in outta fuckin nowhere.

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Fisty agrees with this text and tells Gash to "whip out his Dikachu". He responds by saying "No way Fisty I don't just whip out my Dikachu in public and wave it around all willy-nilly". Fisty says "that's not what I hear", and Gash goes, "Quit busting my Pokeballs, ok? That was a screening for 50 Strokes of Grey, what was I supposed to do, not masturbate?"

Cock suggests Gash use his Strokedex to figure out what type of Strokemon Succudri is. Gash says, "Hey that's a good idea, Cock."

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The Strokedex, a penis pump, is pumped and in a voice charmingly similar to the Pokedex voice from the show, says "Succudri. This Strokemon is typically found scrummaging through bedrooms for anything it can get its tonsils on." Gash thanks the Strokedex, and the Strokedex says "Don't mention it, bitch", which is very funny. Gash explains the Strokedex has been binge watching Breaking Bad, but honestly I would've preferred no justification for it.

Gash pulls out a blue Strokeball which is colored so because he "hasn't played with it in awhile". He throws out Squirt-hole, a dildo, to use it's squirt powers. It does.

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He throws the Strokeball and captures Succudri. Fisty roasts the concept of Pokemon trainers by noting, "You're really good at letting your Strokemon do all the work and then throwing a ball at what you want to capture, Gash."

Then Dikachu goes on a long tangent, saying it's name for like 10 seconds straight. Gash thanks Dikachu. Fisty asks what she said and Gash explains, "Oh, that I just have like a really big dick".

Cock checks his watch and says he's gotta go, because even he knows it's time to get to the fucking. He's off to go check out a local gym and scope out the competition. Gash gets excited about this and says they should all go.

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Cock screams "NO!" and does this. "Today, Cock is going to enjoy some Cock-time". Which, honestly? Good for him.

To my delight, we actually follow Cock, who I assumed was just briskly written off, but he actually enjoys a quick little subplot. He goes to this gym, where Nurse Joy is waiting for him.

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He says "Sorry I'm late, I'm on Strokepeople time. But I finally came." Nurse Joy goes, "No, you haven't come yet. But you will." Then she grabs his fuckin hog and says, "Now turn your head and cough."

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We cut back to the rest of the gang, presumably because Cock and Nurse Joy are such freaks that their sex is too nasty even for porn. Smoke is filling the room. Team Cocket enters, and here's their spiel:

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To screw the world out of masturbation

To make sex only about procreation

If you want a taste of cum just for kicks

Then you can eat a bag of dicks

Jizzy

Jams(?)

Team Cocket blasts off for them all right

Give up now or we'll fucking fight

And then a naked, insanely boob job-ed woman playing Meowth is chroma-keyed in from the bottom of the screen and says "Don't be a bunch of pussies".

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Gash turns to Dikachu and says, "You ready to ruin these guys like they're Brian Williams career?" which is the second reference indicating we are really going in hard on 2015.

Gash tells Dikachu to use her "electric cum power". It is disgusting.

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James, way too casually, laments "Aw, we're all covered in cum." Meowth goes "I feel like I'm in a Kardashain home video". The cum attack understandably causes Team Cocket to flee.

Fisty congratulations the two, and says "it seems like my hero and her sidekick deserve a hero's present". So now it's go time.

Cut to Dikachu getting Fisty undressed. Somehow the back of Dikachu's head is just as bad as the front, if not worse. 

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Gash bends Fisty over and he and Dikachu both start fingering Fisty from behind. Gash smiles and says, "You like that Dikachu?". Dikachu responds "Dika". I'm not sure what he was expecting.

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Fisty, played by Kassondra Raine, is a natural redhead but in true commitment to the Fisty role dyed her hair and pubes bright orange. Her commitment will forever be outshined by Rizzo Ford's Dikachu, but I felt it worthy of acknowledgment.

Dikachu and Fisty both go down on Gash. When Dikachu is sucking his dick I genuinely wonder how the actress Rizzo Ford is able to breathe. It does not appear the nose holes would provide enough air for her; I spend a good stretch of time watching this porn concerned about her safety.

The two of them take turns deepthroating Gash for like eight minutes. During this time, we learn that Ash is a Christian.

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This also served as a personal reminder of just how far I personally had fallen from God's light.

At the 13 minute mark we cut to penetrative sex - Dikachu riding Gash reverse cowgirl while Fisty fingers her. Here Dikachu does a lot of moaning that canonically, is out of her verbal wheelhouse, which is puzzling. Also, every close camera shot from this angle shows significant splotches of where Dikachu's yellow paint has peeled off. The jury's out on whether this is an intentional choice meant to represent Dikachu's metamorphosis to humanity, or if it's just cheap paint from Party City.

Poor Fisty, very much being left out of this threesome, clearly gets direction from her director at one point to go sit on Gash's face, which leaves us with this cursed image.

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While she's riding Gash, Dikachu gets really into it at times and in character shrieks, "Dika, dika, dika". It is unpleasant. She does this to what appears to be climax. It is devastating.

We cut to Gash inserting himself into Fisty, his Strokegloves still on. He does so with a condom, which is responsible. Dikachu is behind her like a supportive midwife. If there's any visual you see right before you enter hell, I have to imagine it is what Fisty is experiencing right here.

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Dikachu keeps smacking Fisty's boobs like bongos, it seems like it hurts.

They swap it up, and Fisty spreads Dikachu's legs while Gash fucks her. Fisty also sprinkles in some quick revenge bongo boob smacks. Here Dikachu really goes nuts with the orgasmic "Dikas" and "Dikachus".

I truly can't express in words how awful this is. On top of an already mighty big pill to swallow visually, the Dikachu moaning elevates the whole thing to prisoner of war torture technique level. Considering we now have a talking Pikachu in the movies, as well as that talking Detective Pikachu game, can't Dikachu, please for the love of God just talk like a person too?

We cut to doggystyle. Gash fucks Fisty from behind as Fisty fingers Dikachu on the bed. I had to see this, so you do too.

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We end, as we always do, with Dikachu and Fisty on their knees, awaiting Gash to cum on them. He does, barely. I can only surmise his lack of cum is due to the fact that he is gazing down upon God's biggest mistake.

The cameras pan down to both of their vaginas very similiarly to how the camera pans up to that rat in The Departed. We end on:

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Strokemon is all fun and games until Dikachu starts getting fucked. To anyone considering watching this for themselves, the intro is silly and a lot of fun and I recommend it. The second things start getting sexual, proceed at your own risk. I suppose I understand the appeal of the "ew this is gross we gotta watch it" viewing with a group of friends, but if you watch this on your own as I did, all you feel is bad. I am much worse off for knowing what a Pikachu climax sounds like. I reckon I will spend the rest of my days fruitlessly trying to reclaim who I was before I viewed this.