If there is any porn parody you would like to see reviewed, please for the love of God keep it to yourself.


A wise man once said "To Infinity and Beyond", Unfortunately there's no way of knowing who that man was or in what context it was meant to be understood, so let us instead turn our attention to the Toy Story porn parody - Sex Toy Story The XXX Parody Part 1.

It says Part 1, but I searched and there's no Part 2. Unless they're doing like a Toy Story 3 thing where they wait like ten years for Andy to grow up and go off to college, in which case we will have to wait with bated breath for ten years for Part 2.

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We open on an unnamed woman played by Veruca James (Lesbian Anal Vampires, Emo Teen Fucks at Work) getting ready to masturbate. She does so the normal way we all do, by rubbing her clothed body.

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About two minutes in she produces a heavy duty vibrator. It is clear the actress has not used it before because she hits five different buttons on it before hitting the one that turns it on. She goes to town with it over her underwear and on her nipples too.

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No two ways about it, then she just puts this thing inside her and goes to work for like ten minutes. Eleven minutes in and hardly a word has been uttered, much like Paul Thomas Anderson's masterpiece "There Will Be Blood".

If you threw on 'Sex Toy Story' to have a laugh up top, you my friend are not getting it. What you are getting is a woman patiently bringing herself to shaking climax with a vibrator. Once she cums she yet again cannot find the button to turn it off. She hits, not a joke, five buttons again before she finds the one that turns it off.

She rests the vibrator next to her on the bed, and for the first time we see it come to life.

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She tells it, "Wow that was so good. You're amazing". The vibrator responds, "You're a monster", a disturbing indicator that what preceded was not consensual.

She then picks it up and goes, "Alright, ready for round 2?" And the vibrator literally screams "NO!".

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The horrifying implications of this didn't seem to bother anyone but me, so onward we drudge.

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We fade out and cut to Woody (James Deen) finishing a thought to Jessie (Dani Jensen) "And that's why they call me Woody". "On account of your talent for making wooden facial expressions on demand?" she inquires.

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Woody goes, "That's right" and demonstrates.

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"Funny I thought it was because of your penis" a vibrator says.

Woody laughs, and says "No Buzz". It is unclear as to whether Buzz Lightyear is canonically a vibrator in this, or if it is just a coincidence because of course you need a vibrator named Buzz in the Toy Story porn parody.

We hear Unnamed Woman approach. Woody tells everyone to freeze. Unnamed Woman puts the vibrator she just used back on the shelf saying, "That was so much fun. I can't wait until we do that again later", an insane thing to say to a vibrator. 

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The vibrator waits for her to leave, and then, just in case its feelings about everything haven't been clear enough already, says "Oh God, no".

A brief aside here - it is unclear whether Unnamed Woman can hear these toys speak. Because at this point we have witnessed this toy scream "NO" right in front of her, as well as wait to whine "Oh God, no" tactfully after she leaves. I do not understand the rules of this universe.

Woody, being a good friend, asks, "What's wrong Clity?" Clity explains that that woman is an animal, that "she's got a sex drive that just won't quit". The pink vibrator piggybacks off that, adding, "I know. It's ridiculous. She's wetter than Angelina Jolie at a Chinese baby's birthday party". When met with silence she says, "Too fucked up? You know I'm a talking vibrator right?"

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Woody, finger on the pulse, asks "Is she using you too much? Does everybody feel this way?" A vibrator, butt plug, and a bottle of lube all say yes. 

Jessie turns to Woody and dissmissively goes, "Well I don't". To which Woody agrees, "Me neither". The bottle of lube gets all pissed and is all like, "Motherfuckers! That's because you're just toys. You aren't sex toys."

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Woody goes "Oh yeah" and Jessie's like, "That's right" and then they high five.

It is off the wall insane that this woman keeps normal toys on the same shelf as her sex toys.

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Then we hear from this poor guy for the first time, whose shaky voice implies the most trauma out of anyone.

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He warns, "Until she finds a way to use you like a sex toy. Do you know what uterus smells like up close? It ain't pretty buddy". He so desperately needs therapy. I wish one, any, of his friends would actually listen to him as opposed to just hearing him.

The gang decides they need to formulate a plan to "protect all the toys from her gaping vagina". They come up with three potential plans, try to guess which they end up going with:

1) Write a strongly worded letter from "the neighbors" asking her to stop

2) We could go have a little *fist punching hand* talk with her, if you know what I mean

3) We could make new toys so she uses the other toys less

I'll give you a hint. The plan is followed by Woody saying "Well how would we do that?" and then Jesse grabbing his dick through his jeans and making out with him. And then he lifts her up and says "To the dollhouse". It's 3. The answer was 3.

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If masturbation porn wasn't your bag, you had a little time to recoup with all that plot and exposition, and now it's time for you to watch some toy cowboys have sex.

As Woody unrobes Jessie sexily says "Save a horse, ride a cowboy". Ok.

Woody flips Jesse over and starts eating her asshole. Jesse goes "yeah, lick that little balloon knot." I had no idea this was slang for asshole and can't fathom any reality where anyone would say it during sex.

Jessie gets flipped around so that Woody can go down on her. In the process Dani Jensen hits herself in the face with her own knee. She handles it as gracefully as one could.

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Woody starts eating her out and Jessie goes, "Oh that tickles so good". At this point I realize Jessie is not very good at dirty talk. She says "So juicy" with a frequency that is regrettable. She calls her vagina a "juicy little pee hole" at one point.

They fuck for a while. Then she sucks his dick for awhile. Then they fuck for awhile.

Jessie is on top at one point and says, "Slap my other ass." She then realizes what she said and clarifies by saying "Asscheek". It is one of the funniest things I've ever heard and recommend everyone watch to witness it.

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They 69, then they fuck some more.

Woody is pretty much perpetually dirty talking under his breath. You can't really hear him so it kinda reads like Joe Pesci after he gets shot in the dick in Home Alone.

Jessie calls her vagina a "juicy little slutty hole" and at a certain point it's just like, call it a pussy.

Anyway, Woody fucks Jessie's juicy little slutty hole doggystyle, and after about twenty straight minutes of penetrative sex, Woody pulls out and cums on her back.

We fade to black, and this: 

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We fade up on Woody and Jessie, somehow parents, as Woody is musing, "And that's how I got the name Woody. Did you like that story, Woody Jr?"

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So I guess Jessie conceived a child from cum on her back, and it somehow produced this mutant child: a vibrator with a cowboy hat.

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No need to do too deep a dive here, that is just insane in every way and must be treated as such.

Here's what I liked about Sex Toy Story. The premise is actually workable for a porn parody. You kinda get a sense of what you're getting into from the title alone - something Tugrats and Spongeknob can't say.

It exhibits fun deviations from the expected tropes of the genre. Rather than open with the silly exposition, we open with some masturbation, then ten minutes in hit the silly exposition before hitting the sex. It's different and it's fun. Additionally, ending without a cumshot to the face was a nice sprinkle of flair that I appreciated.

What I both disliked and thought was endlessly entertaining was Jessie's dirty talk. Throughout I truly didn't know what was going to come out of her mouth, but I knew it would be something I have never heard a person say in any sexual situation before. From where I stand now I couldn't tell ya if it lessened or improved the experience, 

Sex Toy Story operates at it's own pace, in absolutely no rush to deliver you what you've come to expect from porn. It is boldly its own in a way that shines in premise and structure, but falters markedly whenever I hear the phrase "juicy little hole".