Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

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  • You know what it's like to live in a place with too many roommates. Although just a tip out there for any young runaway women: if you find a house filled with strange old men who are offering you a free room, maybe think twice about accepting that offer. Usually it doesn't work out as well as it did for Snow White.
  • Your stepmom is a total bitch. She was probably always trying to get you to eat apples too. Not poisoned ones, but more like just because they're "good for you." SHUT UP, VANESSA, YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM.



Pinocchio

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  • You had some bad experiences in your youth - you got caught up with the wrong crowd, you were rebellious, and you may or may not have turned into a donkey for a brief period of time. And although you and your parents don't always see eye to eye, you know they'd do anything for you, even get swallowed up by a whale.
  • You also know Child Protective Services would probably be REEEAL curious how an old man somehow came to be in the possession of an 8 year old boy, with no adoption papers or records to speak of.



Fantasia

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  • You're a goddamn liar who wants to look extra fancy, because there's no way Fantasia is sincerely anyone's favorite Disney movie. Sure, it's cool to watch when you're high, and the Sorcerer's Apprentice part is pretty neat (in a Twilight Zone-esque way), but there's no way you actually prefer watching Fantasia over Aladdin. Sorry, dude, just not buying your pretentious bullshit.



Cinderella

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  • You like the classics - which you know are classics FOR A REASON. See, they've stood the test of time, and they speak to these basic human truths and experiences that trascend time and place. For every downtrodden kid who dreams of a better life, Cinderella is the perfect story - if you work hard and just believe, maybe you too will get swept away by a rich guy who's really into feet.



Sleeping Beauty

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  • You like to sleep in - after all, who doesn't? And the idea of a princess who mostly gets to nap for the entire duration of the film is pretty exciting, except for that creepy prince guy who keeps trying to wake her up.
  • You know that people who try to wake you up when you're in the middle of a real good nap are dogshit.



Bambi

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  • You had some tragedies early in your life, and you appreciate a film that is willing to build in these kind of grim realities into its story. As upsetting as the scene where Bambi's mom bites the dust is, it's refreshing to see a kid's film that actually speaks truth to the experience a ton of kids go through and don't know how to process.
  • You're super boring, because this movie is SO goddamn boring. No offense or anything, but the movie really doesn't have an actual story. It's just a bunch of little vignettes that are loosely tied together. C'mon, go watch Moana or something.



Dumbo

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  • You're a little bit racist.



South of the South

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  • Whoa, what? This is your FAVORITE Disney movie? You're a LOT of bit racist.



The Jungle Book

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  • You like your movies a little bit trippy - with hypnotizing snakes, extremely chill bears, and jazz-singing orangutans.



Robin Hood

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  • You're a furry, whether you've realized it yet or not.



101 Dalmatians

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  • You love dogs and interesting animation techniques - which is why you love a movie with THE MOST DOGS EVER (Secret Life of Pets has, at most, like 40 dogs) and one of the more fascinating aesthetics of any Disney film (the sketchy/rough character movements are fantastic).
  • You probably love dogs a little too much, since 101 is WAY TOO MANY DOGS, C'MON.
  • You hate subtlety, and prefer your villains to literally be named stuff like "Cruella de Vil." HER LAST NAME IS LITERALLY "DEVIL."



The Rescuers

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  • You're either a big fan of Bob Newhart or Zsa Zsa Gabor, because I can't really think of any other reason why The Rescuers would be your FAVORITE Disney movie.
  • Oh wait, yes I can - you were one of those kids who freeze-framed your VHS copy of the movie to see the nude model they included in the film, and that became your sexual awakening.



The Fox & The Hound

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  • You know the melancholy of growing up and growing apart from people you were once close with. It's a natural part of life, but it still fills you with a strange sort of sadness - to have an intimacy with someone, and for it to fade away over time.
  • You still have nightmares about that waterfall / bear scene, because DAMN that's a nerve-wracking scene.



The Great Mouse Detective

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  • You love mysteries - and especially adaptations of your favorite mystery characters, from Hercule Poirot to Miss Marple to (especially) Sherlock Holmes. Sure, Basil is no Benedict Cumberbatch, but you love the nods to the original novels, the fun characterizations, and DAMN that finale fight on Big Ben is legitimately one of the most thrilling sequences in any Disney movie, right? Right.



Oliver & Company

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  • You like Billy Joel, Charles Dickens, and talking animals. Finally, a movie JUST FOR YOU.



The Little Mermaid

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  • You don't mind plotholes in your entertainment - which is a good thing. Do you really want to be one of those pedantic assholes complaining about how Ariel could have EASILY just written out things to say to Prince Eric? Nah.
  • You appreciate a good villain, some great songs, and a weirdly jacked old fish dad (seriously - King Triton is SO JACKED for an old fish-man).
  • The only problem with you is that you don't have great taste in men, since you think Prince Eric is a catch despite jumping into a marriage based solely on physical attraction, hanging out with boner pope, and playing his stupid flute in the middle of the night like a complete weirdo.



Beauty & The Beast

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  • You've got some real messed up ideas about love - men who are outwardly misogynistic are revolting to you, but you still love the "tortured bad boy", who acts like a total dick (and sometimes locks you away in their dungeon) but just because they are SO TORTURED INTERNALLY and are SO FILLED WITH EMOTIONS (even though their selfishness could potentially doom their dozens and dozens of servants to be trapped in the bodies of household items and furniture). So yeah - you see nothing wrong with a rich asshole (who has 1,000 servants for some reason) being a complete asshole to a woman, or for that specific woman wandering around town singing loudly about how much everyone else sucks and how boring her stupid town is.
  • You're probably, like, 40% furry.



Aladdin

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  • You don't miss the days before every animated voice actor was a hugely recognizable celebrity at all, because Robin Williams and Gilbert Gottfried totally owned this film.
  • You're not too politically active, since you don't really see the problem with the hyper-rich sultan living a life of insane luxury while the rest of his kingdom lives in squalor (two orphans have to depend on the kindness of a monkey to eat) and him still being portrayed as a good guy.
  • You're a romantic at heart but not very practical - since you think the height of romantic gestures is speeding through the sky on an uncovered rug, not realizing both Aladdin and Jasmine would be gasping for oxygen, freezing to death, and screaming the entire time.



Pocahontas

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  • Actual history sucks, and you know it. The reality of historical events is miserable, boring, and usually pretty depressing - so why not reimagine it as a world where Native Americans love teaming up with the GOOD GUY settlers from overseas, where Pocahontas ISN'T a child who gets basically kidnapped by an elderly man, and where gawking at the general idea of Native American mysticism makes you feel better about all of that genocide stuff our ancestors did to them.



The Lion King

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  • You're a fan of grand, Shakespearian drama...and also anime, although you may not realize it.
  • You also aren't a very deep thinker, as you're perfectly willing to go along with the idea that Scar is the villain because he murdered the old king - not caring that the old king was the ruler of a kind gross monarchy where he made the animals he hunted as food (the gazelles) literally attend the presentation of his new child and BOW DOWN TO HIM. Like, that's pretty messed up - the gazelles are specifically seen as nothing but food for lions, and Mufasa was still making them show up and bow down to him? At least Scar opened up the bounty to more of the animal kingdom, allowing in the hyenas. Also blaming Scar for a drought seems...pretty dumb? It's not like Scar could control the weather at all.



Hercules

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  • You know that a Disney movie is only as good as its villain - and James Woods' funny motor-mouthed ruler of the underworld, Hades, is amongst the best there ever was.
  • You don't mind whitewashing of legends and cultures either - since Hercules weirdly portrays Zeus as a wise, strong, sensible leader, instead of like in actual Greek mythology, where he's a sex-obsessed weirdo who was constantly transforming into animals and raping people (which is how Hercules ACTUALLY came into being).



The Hunchback of Notre Dame

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  • You're a little superficial - you don't mind that this is one of the VERY FEW Disney films where the protagonist doesn't "get the girl" and he just so happens to be hideously ugly (on the outside, he's a real lovely fella on the inside), really reinforcing the whole "beauty = good" trope.
  • You have excellent taste, since you know Hellfire is the best goddamn villain song in the Disney canon.



Mulan

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  • You came for an inspiring story of a woman looking for her place in the world and trying to do right by her family, but you stayed for Donny Osmond's pitch-perfect rendition of "I'll Make a Man Out of You." Sure, the song is a little cheesy (in that it's mostly an extended joke about Mulan ISN'T A MAN AT ALL, but Captain Li Shang doesn't realize it!), but it's uplifting, energizing, and powerful in a way that few other Disney songs are.
  • You also respect progressive messages about love - Li Shang is bisexual, whether he confronts it or not. He is clearly falling in love with Mulan even when she is disguised as a man, and continues to be in love with her even after she reveals the truth. The only issue he has with Mulan is that she lied to him - but he still loves Mulan for who she is, regardless of her gender identity. That's nice.



A Goofy Movie

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  • You like a movie you can actually relate to on some level - and when nearly every other Disney movie takes place sometime in the far past or some fantasy world, that becomes a little more difficult. But a modern day story about a teen's relationship with his dad? That you can get onboard with - especially when there's a faux-Michael Jackson stand-in character who sings one of the best Disney songs, because it's basically just a really good pop song:

  • You're only problem is that you don't think things through too much - since you don't see any issue with the fact that the premise of the film indicates that, at some point in the past, Goofy had sex.



Lilo & Stitch

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  • You like Disney movies, but don't see what the big deal is around Disney songs. I mean - why invest so much into new musical numbers that make no sense in the reality of a story? It's not like characters spontaneously breaking into song actually makes sense - so why not just have them singing along with Elvis Presley?
  • You love non-traditional family units - after all, the family you choose is a lot more meaningful than the family you were born into, even if part of the family you chose was an alien killing machine who originally was going to hijack a 747 and nearly do an accidental 9/11.



The Emperor's New Groove

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  • You like it when Disney breaks from the norm - why are so many Disney movies focused on princesses and romance? Why aren't there more straight-up comedies? Especially when you have examples like The Emperor's New Groove, it becomes a little hard to argue why Disney mostly insists on song-heavy, grand dramas about forbidden love and mythic heroes and just make more movies where obnoxious princes get turned into llamas and Eartha Kitt voices Disney's most ridiculous villain ever.

    Also, you know this is BASICALLY the best dialogue in any Disney movie ever:



Tarzan

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  • You're a Genesis fan, but only one Phil Collins took a larger role in the band's direction (and you thought American Psycho's Patrick Bateman had a lot of good points).
  • You love some good hand-drawn animation, especially when it's matched with the speed of a buff, nude guy surf-sliding down a bunch of trees.
  • You also don't mind some extremely grisly deaths in your animated fare.



The Princess & The Frog

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  • Well, for one, you're not racist! That's something - it still astonishes you that it took Disney THIS LONG to make a film focusing on black people (Song of the South not included).
  • But you also know there's more to it than just that - The Princess & The Frog has a main character you can actually relate to. Tiana is working class - not a child of royalty who lives in idle wealth (Ariel, Jasmine, Simba), not a child of a well-off family who never has to work (lookin' at you, Belle), or anything like that. Tiana works a shitty job, and she works it HARD (double shifts!), because she actually gives a shit about improving her life and being successful. How many other Disney main characters actually do that? You know the struggle of working in the service industry, and you respect that this movie actually has something to say about the life of people who aren't royalty.



Atlantis: The Lost Empire

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  • Disney movies, for the most part, bore you. You like a movie that takes risks, that isn't afraid of being weird, and that has a unique style all its own - and that's why you love Atlantis: The Lost Empire. From the particularly stylized character designs, to the elaborate mix of sci-fi and steampunk aesthetics - this movie feels different from every other Disney movie that's ever come out. Plus, no musical numbers - instead, it's more of a straight-up adventure film, AND it has an insanely great voice cast (including Leonard Nimoy, Jim Varney, and John Mahoney). Basically, you like things that have a unique creative voice and perspective, and don't feel like they're just another entry in a series of same-y films.



Treasure Planet

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  • You know that the idea of combining Treasure Island with the trappings of spacebound sci-fi adventure films sounds a little...gimmicky? But who cares, because this movie rocks - the animation is awe-inspiring, the soundtrack is amazing, and Long John Silver is one of the most charismatic villains in the Disney canon. You also like to root for the underdogs - and not only is this movie filled with underdogs, the film itself is one. It's been basically shunned from all discussions of great Disney films, which is a damn shame because it's so freakin' great.
  • Plus, you know solar-surfers are COOL AS HELL.



Tangled

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  • You've got a rocky relationship with one or both of your parents, so Tangled speaks to you on a deep level. Also what speaks to you on a deep level? You too got a really bold and regrettable haircut once.



Wreck-It Ralph

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  • You're something of a clumsy outcast who typically gets very down on themselves and is probably a little too self-critical. You have rotten luck, you mess up everything all the time, and you spend way too much time playing videogames. But on the plus side? VIDEOGAMES ARE SO GOOD THESE DAYS.



Frozen

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  • You're either queer or simply in love with Idina Menzel's singing voice, and let's face it: Idina Menzel belting out "Let It Go" probably makes everyone realize they're AT LEAST a little bit queer.
  • You love to have expectations subverted - especially since you're a lifelong Disney fan who's excited to finally see a movie where the generically-handsome prince turns out to be a scumbag and that the real love story is the connection between two sisters.
  • Also, that fan theory about the film's connection to Tarzan pumps you up, since you're super into reputable fan theories.



Zootopia

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  • You're a big fan of progressive causes, but you don't really dig into them very much - or you would notice that the film's ostensible message about racism and inclusion is slightly undercut by the fact that in the world of Zootopia, "Predators" were once bloodthirsty, animalistic monsters. If you really break down the metaphor of the film, they're indicating that the shunned and feared "predators" are stand-ins for minorities in America...but that there IS a reason to have feared them in their very biology. That's, uh, messed up - but at least this movie makes an effort towards promoting progressive messages, which is honestly a lot better than most animated movies.
  • Also, you are a furry too.



Moana

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  • You know a few things - The Rock is the best, Lin Manuel-Miranda is also the best, and speaking of people who are the best, Alan Tudyk as a chicken desperately trying to kill himself? ALSO THE BEST.
  • You're all about female empowerment, respecting nature and the environment, and being insanely impressed by Disney discovering Auliʻi Cravalho - a no namer who turned in one of the best vocal performances in Disney history, and seems like a delight in real life: