They say "never meet your heroes", because the sad truth is that reality will never live up to your expectations - and losing that image of who someone was in your head for who they are in real life is a huge bummer. Well, guess what? The same thing applies to your sexual fantasies - sure, you may THINK something sounds super hot and that it'd be your kink, but real life is never quite that simple: things go wrong, you may discover actually doing things makes them less comfortable than just imagining doing them, and you are very likely to walk away disappointed. Here are 12 stories of fantasies that sounded good in theory, but went disastrously wrong.
1. Always make sure your sexual fantasies weren't key plot points from 'Speed' (from TijoWasik)
Elevator door opened mid blow job.
It was security.
There's cameras in elevators folks.
2. Turns out having blindfolded, handcuffed sex on the ground with someone from the internet WASN'T the actual danger here! Color me surprised. (from tatas-princess)
i had sex with a guy i'd found online. i was blindfolded and handcuffed on his floor, with a butt plug in whilst he was fucking me doggy style. all of a sudden he stops and is like "uhhhhh...we have a problem" i'm like o shit what, and he pulls me up onto my knees and takes the cuffs off, only to tell me that the plug has gone all the way into my butt. like the little bit at the top that's supposed to stop shit like this from happening had gone in whilst he was pounding away.
so i end up in this random guys apartment in his bathroom, trying to fish a fucking anal plug out of my butthole. it took me like 10 minutes but i got it out.
3. All in all, a pretty okay birthday. (from quitjob_becomepirate)
Slept with an older woman. Amazing.
Then her soon-to-be ex-husband came in and punched me a few times.
It was my birthday.
4. This is what we relationship experts refer to as "a red flag" (from Portarossa)
I always liked the idea of a threesome, so I when I finally got to try one I was kind of disappointed that I ended up as the third wheel -- especially because my then-boyfriend and the girl we picked ended up paying a lot more attention to each other and practically forgot I was there. (The threesome was his suggestion, not mine, but I was definitely up for it.)
After about an hour of being all but ignored no matter what I did, I thought Fuck this and went to go and read a book in the living room. We didn't last much longer as a couple -- for a variety of reasons, but that was definitely one of them.
5. Okay this is the worst thing I have ever read. This is like if the writers of Breaking Bad wrote American Pie. (from polak187)
Read it in the book that sex in the tub filled with milk and honey would enhance the sexual experience. Be me, 15 yo on limited allowance that somehow managed to talk my girlfriend into it. We pool our money together and buy 10 gallons of milk and and that squeeze bear shaped bottle of honey. We also steal some milk from cafeteria in those little cartons as well as some pockets of honey from 7/11. It's D day. Microwaving milk and cooking it as well while adding honey was like a 3 hour job. Whenever we poured one thing in, by the time we did another the first one would get cold and honey would settle on the bottom of the tub. We give up and pour everything in and start adding hot water. Well bath is half full and it looks like it's time to reach sexual enlightenment. We get in and it stinks, gets sticky and getting cold. I pretty much finish in 45 seconds than try to go down on her using honey as an aphrodisiac by rubbing it on. Finally she gets done or she says so because she is fed up so we stop and try to clean up. Drain gets clogged, we can't get the honey off quick enough, my dad is pulling into the driveway and it's a total disaster. Few weeks later I get a urinary tract infection but since I'm a broke immigrant I have no health insurance so I suffer for few weeks. She develops yeast infection and a uti as well. Also since I spent all my money on supplies that means no lunches and visiting her for the rest of the month. Yeah so it sucked and from that day I'm not buying into that romantic writing crap and smell of boiled milk gets me aroused a bit yet my Johnson starts aching.
6. This is not what I refer to as "chill" (from fucksorphans)
Today me and my gf had friends over and they were chill enough to have sex in the same room as us. I thought it would be a hot kinky type of thing but I ended up getting super uncomfortable hearing them. Now I have the 10,000 yard stare and they're still here but clothed now.
7. To be fair, I'm sure that wallpaper WAS very interesting. (from mntoak)
8. Okay so I just googled "male chastity" and I can confirm this is not my fetish, whew. (from Portarossa)
A friend of mine dated a guy who was really into the idea of male chastity. Cool, you know, whatever... she wasn't particularly kinky, but try anything once, right? So he bought himself a little cage, tested it out for a couple of hours, and announced that he was good to go when she went away for a week (they were a long-distance sort of deal, so the idea was for this to be a regular sort of deal). She locks it closed, hides the key somewhere in his flat in case of a medical emergency -- safety first, after all -- and goes back home.
The thing about cock cages, for those who are unfamiliar, is that you wear them pretty much constantly; it sort of defeats the object when you don't. This includes while peeing. One thing that doesn't feature in a lot of chastity porn and erotica is hygiene, or how to clean yourself off while you're locked away in a tube that occasionally traps some pee in it.
She came back after a week being away from him to find what she described as the worst case of nappy rash you could possibly imagine. Apparently he was of the opinion that it was 'normal', and that the discomfort was all part of the experience. I don't know if you're inclined to do a Google Image Search for 'nappy rash' -- you're liable to see a lot of babydicks if you do -- but imagine that all up a grown man's penis. For fun.
9. There is a very thin line between "sexy" and "abusive 1940s dad" (from Nooooope)
She asked me to slap her ass. I did.
She asked me to slap it harder. I did.
She started crying and said I slapped it too hard.
10. Hmmm, turns out several years of horny texting could potentially lead to disappointment. (from hippiehoppy69)
I had a huge thing for this guy and we had had a whole two years of build up. The first time I met him he gave me a ride home because everyone else was too drunk. On the way he said he wanted to charge me a kiss for the ride, I wanted to but also didn't want to be that easy about it, so we compromised with a kiss on the cheek. He of course turned his face into mine at the last second and it turned into a couple minutes of making out, he tried to take it farther but I got out of the car. Not 3 minutes later he adds me on Facebook.
We exchange numbers and start texting a lot. I was super into him but I also was a virgin and not looking to not be one. We'd lose touch when we started seeing other people then pick up right where we left off when we were both single again. We spent a LOT of time sending each other very explicit messages about fucking each other pretty much anywhere and everywhere even though we'd never done anything more than that one kiss.
Once he came over to my house when my best friend and I were home alone having a sleepover, got us both alone at separate points and kissed both of us, then got us to kiss (which for me is not surprising, but it's not anything you'd expect my friend to do, it was her first kiss). That was all the further we took that though. Cue more explicit texting. We started getting really creative with it, we talked about some things that I'm really not fucking sure how I knew anything about.
Finally I start having sex with people, I had been with 3 partners and was open to more, I was having a party at my house, I invited him, he agreed. I ran around the house screaming (I only had like 4 friends there yet and they all knew about him) that I was finally going to get to fuck him. He showed up and there was no pretense, we just went straight to my bedroom.
It was awkward as all hell. Neither of us knew a damn way to make any of our fantasies happen. He was super into anal which had somehow never come up and I had never done. I didn't want to disappoint so I agreed. No lube, no condom, it hurt like hell. I finally had to end it, he went back in me without washing, I got an infection, he tried to ask me to suck him off after that, I was like hell no, I'm honestly not even sure if he finished. We stopped talking after that.
11. Gotta power through the pain, bro. (from BryantheBarbarian)
Threesome with 2 smoking hot girls. I was fucking Girl #1, while the other girl was rubbing her clit, then my dick slips out and I thrust... right into a long sharp fingernail. Girl #2's nail scraped a big gash in the head of my dick, and blood went everywhere. I proceeded to scream like a girl, and let's just say, that ended the night.
12. PSA: ALWAYS CHECK IF YOUR SEXUAL PARTNER HAS RECENTLY CONSUMED A BUNCH OF HOT PEPPERS BEFORE GETTING UP IN YOUR BUTTHOLE. (from FoxxyRin)
Not mine, but my husband's (then boyfriend) fantasy.
All he ever did was bug me about tossing my salad but I'm really weird about germs so that always grossed me out. Well, I finally decided to go shower and clean up as well as I could and surprise him by coming out naked and bending over and all that good stuff. What I hadn't noticed and what he didn't even think about was the fact that while I was in the shower, he decided to eat a snack... home-canned peppers. Home-canned spicy peppers. By the time I got over the awkwardness of him putting his face against my ass, I started to feel a weird tingle... then a burn. I ended up pushing him off, crying, and running to the shower to cool it off. Five minutes in, I beg for him to bring me a glass of milk out of desperation, and the night ended with him laughing his ass off as he poured milk down my ass-crack in the shower.