Gather round, all ye who have yearned to see the Broadway show of our generation, but haven't because it's too fucking expensive.

I come to you, empathetic to your suffering, to introduce to you a show that subjects you NOT to a ticket lottery you have no chance of winning, that DOESN'T cost $800 dollars to go see sometime next November, NAY, it requires NOT EVEN you arising from your bed chambers.

Perhaps this is sounding too good to be true? That is because it is. I'm talking about Woodrocket's Hamiltoe: A Musical Porn Parody. undefined

The intro credits take a stab at 'My Shot' which does exactly what you'd expect it to.

He is not throwing away his, cock (x3)

He's going to use his genius

And rise up with his penis

So he won't throw away his cock (x2)

His cock (x3)

He won't throw it away.

The credits fade and we launch right into a hot fucking jam that gives some background on our good friend Alexander Hamiltoe. Each stanza's shared by a different member of the six person cast. There's like way too many of these, so I'll just include the highlights.

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How does the offspring of a boxspring plaything,

A man who came from nothing become a man who came on everything?

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He discovered the ménage à trois,

The first to fuck two pussies raw,

Despite British law,

The magic of a threeway - tada!

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Alexander Hamiltoe. I'm Alexander Hamiltoe. 

There's a million loads I haven't blown.

My dick is great.

My dick is great.

Cool, so his dick is great.

I'm not sure if these pictures are able to convey this, but the acting is very bad. This song wraps up, we fade to black, and then fade up on Aaron Boner doing some light reading.

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The year of course is 1769. We are in Porn Valley.

Alexander Hamiltoe approaches Aaron Boner, rudely disrupting his reading alone in a room while standing up.

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  1. Alexander Hamiltoe

    Oh fuck are you Aaron Boner? The poreigner?

  2. Aaron Boner

    You know me from?

  3. Alexander Hamiltoe

    Plymouth Rock! You're the porn star, Boner! I'm Alexander Hamiltoe, I'm a big fan, Boner!

  4. Aaron Boner

    Of me?

  5. Alexander Hamiltoe

    Yes of you and your big gland, Boner!

Notice the craft in rhyming just boner over and over again.

Hamiltoe laments to Aaron Boner what a mess they are in because British sex law is in effect. The law I guess states that everyone is only allowed to have sex 1 on 1, no multiple partners. I have no idea how this law is enforced.

So Hamiltoe is trying to ally up with Aaron Boner, start a sexual revolution of orgies and threeways and most importantly "wake up all the sheeple and rise up with all the horny people".

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Aaron Boner's like "No, I'm good though".

Hamiltoe sulks off.

We fade out, and fade back up on the same stage now occupied by Queen Whorge. She launches into her big number addressing Hamiltoe, where we learn a little more about this aforementioned British law.

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You're breaking my heart,

Not knowing four boobs are too much.

That's too many tits,

Too many tit fucks for too many dicks.

That's too ouch,

You'll hurt yourself.

Multiple blowjobs from multiple mouths,

Only missionary front to front.

You can't just have the type of sex you want,

And if I catch you in any other acts,

I will chain you up and lick your butt,

And make you cum and bring you back!

Here we get a glimpse into the corrupt nature of British oligarchy, as Queen Whorge admonishes all sex other than missionary, but then turns right around and says if she catches anyone doing ths, she will punish them by licking their butt. Life is unjust; the rules apply not to royalty. 

Anyway, she ends this number with a big finish of half dancing, half stage masturbating that I had to watch so you do too. 

We fade out on Queen Whorge and up on the Fister Sisters, uncomfortably jerking off the air.

We are step sisters,

Come from different misters,

Our mothers both jizzed in by different jizzsters.

She's super krunk!

No she's super krunk!

When we see a super dick we wanna make it super spunk.

Not together!

No never together!

Because the Queen's number 1 rule: no group sex ever.

Alexander Hamiltoe wanders into Fisterland, and they are instantly into it.

Hey who's that hot bitch?

He's looking like a man that could scratch my itch.

Down south in my dress,

I would let him play chess.

My vagina - the board,

The queen - my clitoris.

This is insanely funny, and I demand it be written into Hamilton.

The Fister Sisters explain to Hamiltoe that "they're having a ball tomorrow, we hope you'll go/I hope you'll come and make my juices flow". Alexander Hamiltoe gives a long "WOAH", to confirm to the others he understands the rhyme scheme, and the two sisters walk away hand in hand.

For two people that just said they would never fuck together, it certainly feels like they just made plans to fuck together.

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The "Ball" (because balls) begins, and wow this is not a ball it's three people about to run train on a couch. 

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They are being dangerously public with this crime against the Crown.

A fun little detail: The Fister sisters making out in front of Hamiltoe is underscored with classical music, implying classically trained professionals are in the corner watching and definitely not getting paid enough for this "Ball".

The ladies take off Alexanders pants and, just as I feared, he starts dirty talking in rhyme, saying "Different misters? Can I get witcha? Why don't you put my penis in your kisses!" 

This is regrettable, and offers a harrowing glimpse of what lies ahead.

The two suck his dick for like, awhile. They use their own hair curls to wipe their mouths. Meanwhile other guests at this ball are trying to mingle and eat hot dog weenies.

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We are treated to a shot of Angelicum Fister's ink on her legs at one point, and I must say I am rather impressed with the tattooing artistry circa 1769.

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"How is this against the law, I ask?" muses Alexander Hamiltoe as he is getting blown by one Fister Sister while the other one eats the others ass.

Alexander Hamiltoe unfortunately jumps in for Round 2 of trying to rhyme while getting fucked, going:

The cock in her jaw...

Your face in the...fucking...

Raw.

Poetry.

There is a TON of dick sucking noises that are very aggressive and, I'll say it, bad. This porn would honestly work better as a soundboard for Guantanamo Bay torture than getting someone off.

Angelicum Fister hops on Alexander Hamiltoes dick and rides it. Then the other Fister sister who's first name I didn't catch does the same. Hamiltoe remarks that this is like "riding a horse". He makes neigh sounds. Everyone at this ball is an accomplice to this crime by now.

Mystery Fister screams a lot, to which Angelicum notes "You don't scream like that when you fuck my dad." Hamiltoe laughs cause he doesn't know what else to do and then goes "What?". It is very funny.

Here are some terms said throughout this that I recommend for everyday use:

  • "Fuck my colonial cunt"
  • That's it

Alexander cums on Mystery Fisters chest. The fun is over, and now the long arm of the law is about to be dropped. Let it be known, if you came to this video to jerk off, your opportunity is now over - we're diving back into some fully clothed plot, baby.

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Aaron Boner has challenged Alexander Hamiltoe to a "penis duel" because he "broke the law, and I got no invite". Even though he totally did.

The rules are that they both have to walk 69 paces, and then each of the girls suck their dicks. The loser is whoever cums first. It feels like this is just breaking the law again.

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Tragedy strikes.

Hamiltoe died that day from exhaustion

He fucked too hard,

And his life is what it cost him.

Now of course, we must end on a rendition of "Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Storyat least I think, again I haven't seen this actual show. I have only seen the porn parody.

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When the tunnel ends

If no one tells all your sexy stories,

Not one benefit friend?

No one knows that you were horny.

This song is by far the saddest sounding of the bunch, and it is accompanied by flashback shots of the threesome we just watched, now in soft focus, which is so fucking funny. The sad music continues, as we are revisited by the supporting members of the cast, eulogizing Alexander Hamiltoe after dying from fucking too hard.

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He blew a load right through the Declaration of Indepenis.

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He stuck his wang through the glory hole of American history.

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We lay on everybody. From Porn Valley to the Carolinas. We like cumming. But we tell the story with our vaginas.

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We the people. For the people. By the people. We bang the people. That's how we tell the people.

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Will they tell the tale? Of all my creating awesome, cum-filled, pioneered, deep-dickin, historical, sexy, threeway boning? 

A haunting question, and a powerful one to end on.

The great thing about Hamiltoe is you are always getting to watch the performance with the original cast. Never do you have to settle for a version lesser than the untoppable original.

The bad thing about it is it's very bad and it's terrible. I recommend watching for the sole purpose of the final ballad, whose tone is so delightfully devastating for something also showing a threeway and a cumshot on extremely fake boobs. I will leave you all with these succinct sentiments, which echo my own:

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