1. Gotta stop shoutin' that, Phil.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over-- Phil (@PhilJamesson) December 15, 2016
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
2. Just...don't go outside.
I've been alive a long time and I still don't know what to wear when it's 58 degrees.-- Alex Baze (@bazecraze) May 20, 2018
3. This is the best.
This woman was walking around NYC with this label on her shoe and now she's my wife pic.twitter.com/T8UvFYgokv-- Katrin (@KatraHigher) May 31, 2018
4. It's the most important thing.
The first thing I ask anyone at reunion is how much money they make-- Adam Rotstein (@madamepotstein) May 26, 2018
5. This fucking can not be happening.
Just met another guy named Mike. The fuck?-- Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) May 1, 2018
6. All suffering, all the time.
I used to have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), but now I suffer from HAPPY:-- joey alison sayers (@joeyalison) November 9, 2017
All kinds of
7. Luckiest man on Earth.
"Always Follow Your Dreams..." -Jon Hendren pic.twitter.com/atev8qIOQn-- jon hendren (@fart) June 1, 2018
8. This dude is funny as fuck, damn. Fuck.
me after someone gently runs their finger across my arm pic.twitter.com/MaRIOys9TN-- Ross Snow (@MessJenkins) May 31, 2018
9. So cursed.
cursed image pic.twitter.com/tIRfg3Rl78-- Davis Khan (@malwaex) June 1, 2018
i ate too much german candy and now i feel haribo-- blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) May 31, 2018
11. Sorry but they give a cleaner pick.
the boys held an intervention about me "Going hollywood" because i;ve been buying plastic toothpicks now-- wint (@dril) June 1, 2018
12. As a fellow mud-fucker I find this very relatable.
Me at 17: Hope I get into a good college!-- Patti Harrison (@Party_Harderson) May 31, 2018
Me at 27: *eats and fucks literal mud* "I think that's enough adulting today ! "
My mom at 80: "Hey share some of that mud to fuck. I'm your mom. I raised you now you raise me" *fucks mud*
13. Sometimes food looks so good it makes you do crazy things.
Almost 2yr old for sale. Been crying for 10 mins cuz he cant get in the oven with the cornbread. Entertaining all offers.-- Cocoa Mama (@SeauxCocoa) May 30, 2018