If you haven't realized that Twitter is a website that'll bring you great joy, then you're missing out. Not only will you find things that'll tickle your pickle and stroke your funny bone, but it'll make your day feel just a little less stupid. And if you're thinking we got oddly sexual with our metaphors, it's just because humor just gets us so goddamn excited.
So sit back, relax and enjoy a healthy dose of Vitamin LOL.
1. Do I have to like, water it every day or...?
*at pet store*-- •Ellen• (@_TheMelonLord_) May 22, 2017
Cashier: Can I help you with anything?
Me: *slaps bag of bird seed* How long does it take this shit to grow into birds?
2. The fuck is this shit? I don't want this stranger's baby.
doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it-- yabkat (@ohen39) October 20, 2017
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
3. No grandpa, you aren't having a stroke 'cause you smell toast. You're just on fire.
Did you know if you put your toaster in the microwave you can toast your entire house please help my grandpa is still inside-- Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 12, 2016
4. You can't argue with facts, my friends.
Weird to think that everyone in the world fits into one of these four categories pic.twitter.com/QEAbyF5u7L-- Tom Cashman (@_tomcashman) June 27, 2016
5. I don't know, I don't trust the look on that duck's face.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]-- k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) June 17, 2015
zookeeper: "the tigers should be your top priority"
cop: [scribbling out ducks] "obviously"
6. This kid is gonna be a goddamn star.
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You're off the debate team-- Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) March 17, 2017
ME: No I'm not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
7. My cat is such a pussy.
[at the vet with my cat]-- Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) January 8, 2017
me: i know, that's why i brought you here
8. There's nothing more powerful in the world than a tall lasagna.
If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it's no longer two lasagnas. It's one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.-- Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) October 20, 2017
9. Looks like the teacher needs to go back to listening school.
tedtalks but does tedlisten :-(-- therese rose (@meowtin) February 19, 2018
10. YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR.
Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.-- Bryan With a Why (@doublewenis) August 11, 2016
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
11. Ugh, I guess.
Me: can I get a Coke-- thomas (@Barknado69) June 12, 2018
IHOB Waiter: is bepsi okay
12. Do we have to pick them?
When you're almost done picking teams in gym class. pic.twitter.com/HjblABuKsm-- Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 12, 2018
13. It's the little things in life that really make this place tolerable.
february 22nd 2022 (2/22/22) falls on a tuesday so we will be able to call it 2's day which is really keeping me going man-- RyansAverageLife (@RyanAbe) November 2, 2017